March 12, 2013 ~ The Miracle

What happened on Sunday, October 14th?
(Part 2)

I know it's been a while since I made a new blog entry... As with everyone there are periods in ones life that are more complicated then others, and for me the last couple years have been a bit more complicated, thus the delay in blogging.

Getting back to what happened on (Sunday, October 14th)...

I don't have any memory of what actually happened after going into a vegetative state, the following is from what my church family has told me.

Several people in the church called 911, someone in the back of the church interrupted my pastor by stating that I was unresponsive and that my church family needed to pray. The service stopped immediately and everyone went into action, either with prayer or by aiding me until the EMT's arrived.

Many that knew that I was diabetic and on the chance that I had low sugars they were trying to get sugar into me.  From what I was told, I wasn't too cooperative in swallowing anything, liquid or otherwise.  One of my friends who recently lost her husband said that it looked like I was gazing into the eyes of Jesus.  She said that I looked like I was at such peace, just staring into glory (even now as I write that, what a wonderful picture that is in my mind).

In the midst of all this someone stood up and instructed anyone that wasn't assisting me to move to the other side of the room.  All the while people had broken into small groups to pray, some were praying quietly, others were praying with out-stretched hands, and still others were leading in prayer with others following along in agreement.

The EMT's finally arrived, one of the first things they did was to test my sugar, it was fine.  Shortly thereafter they whisked me off to the hospital with sirens and lights blaring. What I didn't know was that as I was being rushed to the hospital my church family had formed a huge circle and prayed and prayed, and then they prayed some more, they prayed until there was no more praying left in them.  What they didn't know until right now (as they are reading this for themselves) is that God answered their prayers in a miraculous way (you need to read until the end to find out exactly how miraculous it is).

Back to the hospital... I arrived at the hospital and 'Code Stroke' was called.  I don't know much of what happened during this time because nobody was there to tell me, but I do remember bits and pieces.

Someone said that they needed to test my urine because they thought I had overdosed. I couldn't move or speak, and I couldn't communicate with them but I do remember wanting to yell at them 'NO' and tell them that I didn't overdose on anything.  I thought just take the urinalysis, that way you'll know and you can move on to finding out what's really wrong.

At a different point I remember a doctor coming in and asking me if I could blink, he told me to blink once for yes and twice for no.  I blinked once, yes, I could blink.  He said that he had some questions to ask me and he needed me to be honest with him when I answer him.  Okay, ask the questions I thought, do whatever you need to do to get my body back to functioning again.  (I was still unable to move from the neck down and unable to speak).

The first and only question that I remember, "Did that church that you attend do something weird to you?"  I blinked big and hard two times, I clearly remember that because I thought you have got to be kidding me, that's what you are focusing on!?!  I'm not sure how many times he asked me that, and I'm not sure how many times he left and then came back, it was like he thought that coming back in the room and asking me again was going to give him a different answer.  Each time he would ask the question and every time I gave him the same answer, two blinks, the answer was no.  If I could have spoke I would have told him to please get off this and go figure out what is really wrong with me.

I remember my children and friends coming in to see me but I couldn't communicate and I don't clearly remember any of those visits.  Then there were moments when I was alone, thinking what is going on, why can't I speak or move... I was so frustrated.

Several hours had gone by (I'm guessing about six hours), and then for no apparent reason (I actually do know the reason, it was the healing hand of Jesus reaching down and doing a miraculous work in my body) I started talking. It was very difficult at first, it was a struggle and it was a bit jumbled... but God slowly took my tongue and straightened it out.  I was able to speak as though nothing had happened, I didn't remember very much, but I could talk.

Now that I was able to talk that same doctor came back in my room, again insisting that 'those people' at 'that church' did something to me that put me into a trance like state.  "What?" was my response.  Okay, he said, then I want you to consider that you may have had a physiological break... again, "What?" was my response.  I told him that just a week or two ago my doctor said that I was experiencing TIA's (mini stroke's).  'No, that's not what it is' he said... I was scared... did I really have a physiological break?

They had a room ready for me in ICU but because I had started talking they decided to move me to the cardiac unit.  I'm not exactly sure why they moved me there, but just as soon as I arrived they hooked me up to an EKG machine and ran it every 4 hours. I had wires coming out of every part of me and I was being monitored constantly.  I didn't get much sleep that night, doctors and nurses were coming in all night doing different tests and just making sure I was still alert.  Every couple of hours someone would come in just to sit and talk to me, they would ask me who the president was, what year it was, who I was (if I was thinking I probably could have really had some fun with that, but my mind couldn't wrap around being funny at the moment).

The next day was full of more tests, more CT Scans, MRI, a physiotherapist came in to help me move my arms and legs, and before the day was out... to help me walk again.  Someone else came in to make sure that I was able to swallow and eventually eat... I was exhausted.

But oh my, let's talk about the MRI shall we... I've had many MRI's in my life, many of them.  I've always looked forward to them.  In the past I've always spent this time in prayer... it's perfect for time alone with my Lord, nobody is going to bother me for a good 30 - 60 minutes, it's just me and God... I was actually looking forward to this.

Now, if you haven't ever had an MRI let me describe it to you... you lay down a table and they slide you into a narrow tube (the bigger you are the more narrow the tube... lol).  It's pretty noisy and like I mentioned, it lasts 30 - 60 minutes.

Backing up a bit, just before they took me down for the MRI they allowed me to eat my first meal, the meal was pretty rich, some kind of beef tips in a gravy sauce with potatoes and green beans (it was delicious).

I was loaded into the machine and strapped into place.  The MRI was for my brain so to ensure that I wouldn't move my head they put a frame around my neck and head (it was locked into place and was secure).

I was about 35 minutes into the procedure and it hit me.  Those beef tips I had earlier are starting to go through me, I'm going to need to use the restroom soon.  So I say "Hello", no answer... a little louder I yelled, "Hello", still no answer.  Now I'm starting to panic so I shout,  "Hello, does anybody hear me", nothing.  I start pounding on the machine and continue to yell, still nothing.  Okay, I tell myself to try and relax, calm down, think of something soothing, I'm at the beach, yes, I'm at the beach... look, there are the waves, it's warm, I'm getting a tan, I like being tan... and then I snap myself out of it... I'm NOT at the beach, this is NOT helping, I scream "HELP", still nothing!

That's it, I'm in a full blow panic attack! I remember wondering if my feet were on the inside or outside of the machine... I realized they are on the outside of the machine and that's when it hit me that this was my way out.  I was able to pull off the frame they had around my head and flew out of the machine.  Keep in mind that I still had many tubes and wires coming out of me (I won't go into specifics, but there were a lot of them).  By this time I was hysterical and all I could think was that I am crazy, I really am crazy, they are going to put me into an institution, I've gone insane.

At that moment I saw three or four men in white lab coats running towards (that image didn't help when I was certain they were going to institutionalize me... lol).  They got me up off the floor and started checking to make sure I wasn't hurt.

The man that did the test said all he saw was me flying out of the machine and doing a somersault over the table, I was crying uncontrollably telling these men that the ER doctor said I was crazy and he's right.  One of the men grabbed me and held on to me, he kept telling me that it was okay, not to worry, that this happens all the time (yeah, right...).  I continued on , shaking and crying, I knew that this was proof that something was wrong with my mind, I just knew it.

And then, just as quick as that happened a nurse came over to me, she so kindly started talking to me.  She asked what had brought me to the hospital, I told her.  Then I told her that the one doctor is insisting that I'm either crazy or that something happened at my church that put me into a trance.

She told me that she goes to church, I asked what church she attends, "Rocky Peak" was her answer.  I know Rocky Peak, I told her that I worship at Granada Hills Community Church.  She smiled at me, she told me that at one time she attended GHCC, she continued on saying how much she loved my Pastor and his wife.  Immediately she told everyone within earshot that there was nothing done to me at that church that would have put me into a trance.  I knew right then that God had sent an angel to me, I knew that I was going to be okay and that was Gods way of letting me know that nothing was wrong with me mentally.

By the way, since then I've been reassured by many that having a panic attack in an MRI machine happens more often then people are aware of.

It was a long remainder of the day, I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was to go home.  They still didn't know what had happened to me and because of not having any answers they insisted that I see a psychiatrist before I leave.  The doctors were certain that the psychiatrist would provide the diagnosis and that would be the missing piece of the puzzle.

I was so upset, I knew there was nothing wrong with me mentally and didn't understand why they were making my see a psychiatrist.  One of the nurses on my floor came into my room, he told me that everyone who has interacted with me knows that there is nothing wrong with me mentally.  He told me to be myself, let the doctor talk to me, let them rule this out so that they can move on to whatever is next on the list.  I believe that God gave this man the words that I needed to hear to calm me down, I was ready to speak with whatever doctor they wanted to send my way.

The psychiatrist came in a short time later, after spending about five minutes with me she announced that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me mentally.  She gave me her business card and her private number, she told me that if anyone ever tries to say that my problem is psychiatric again to have them call her.  She continued saying that she would assist in whatever it took to figure out what is wrong with me.

I eventually went home that night (either that or it was early the next morning... like shortly after midnight).  Jeralynn was patient enough to sit there with me while they were figuring out how to discharge me so late at night... all I knew was that I didn't want to spend one more night in the hospital.  Only a very good friend would sit with you into the wee hours of the morning to take you home from the hospital... thank you Jeralynn!

And another thank you... thank you Nancy for all that you did that day... from noticing me in church to babysitting my grandchildren... you were amazing!

And so time has gone on... it was just three weeks ago that I finally made it back in for my follow up with the neurologist.  Before I go on, make sure you are sitting down when you read this...

But then for those of you who have a relationship with my Lord, please take a moment to fall to your knees and thank God for the miracle, yes it was nothing short of a miracle that He performed in my body on October 14th, 2012.

Okay... back to the diagnosis... (by the way, have any of you guessed what the diagnosis might be?)

I had a massive stroke, yes, you read correctly, a massive stroke!

The doctor said that several doctors (the ones who had seen me at the hospital) have had many meetings and discussions over my case and that they were all very confused.  There were many reasons why they were not able to diagnose this when I was in the hospital, the primary reason being because of the quick recovery.

He said that I should not have recovered from this, that I should be a vegetable.  He said that I had complete paralysis from the neck down and the complete loss of communication and all bodily functions by the time I entered the ER.

Now some of you may think that this might not be possible, that what I am describing could not have actually happened.  I completely understand, I'm still having problems putting all the pieces together.

But for those of you who were in church with me that Sunday, or for those of you who came and saw me at the hospital when I was still in the 'vegetative state' (that's what the doctor called it), you know how bad it was.

And now that you know the diagnosis, you know that this is a modern day miracle.  The God I serve is an awesome God!

For those that are wondering, I still have many physical ailments, and my God may or may not choose to heal me completely while I am still on earth.  Regardless of whether that happens, there is one thing I know... once I enter into the presence of the Almighty I will instantly be healed!

But I will tell you this... He preformed a miracle in my body that day... it was nothing less than a miracle.

Every morning when I get up I'm jumping up and down with excitement... I'm praising my Lord that I'm alive and well... I'm well... did you read that... I'm well!  I can walk, talk, eat, and breath on my own... I'm well! And every night I go to sleep talking with my Lord, thanking Him that I'm able to communicate His love to those around me.

If you are a Christian, do you use the talents that God has given you?  I now know that the ability to walk and speak are just two of the talents that God has given me... they are talents that my Lord has given back to me and you can bet I am using them.

I'm no longer in that vegetative state, it's a miracle!  The doctor even said, it's a miracle, they have never seen anything like it.

Do you know my Jesus?  My Jesus is alive!  My brothers and sisters in Christ can call upon the name of my Father in heaven on my behalf and He will listen and answer their prayers.

People, if that doesn't stir up a desire in your heart to want to know my Lord then I don't know what will.

God isn't a magic lamp, He won't grant your every desire, but I'm so glad that He hasn't given me everything that I've ever asked for.  Instead my God has given me a life more abundant, more free, and more full of love than I could have ever imagined.

He is my All (El Shaddai), my Provider (Jehovah-Jireh), He is my Healer (Jehovah-Rapha), my Peace in the midst of the storms of life (Jehovah-Shalom), He is always with me (Immanuel)!

My Jesus died on the cross for me and for you, He died that you might have eternal life.  Call on His name, turn from you sin, run from your sin and follow Jesus Christ.

If you don't know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior then you will go to hell when you die.  Hell is a very real place and eternity is forever, there are no do-overs.

Do you simply know of Jesus or do you have a personal relationship with Him?  It's one thing to know someone and it's completely different to have a personal relationship with them.

Most of you that are reading this know me, some of you that are reading this have a personal relationship with me, meaning you know everything about me, things that go on in my day to day life.   If I were to throw a party and invite only those who I have a personal relationship with the list would be very short (compared to the number of people I know).  Some of the people I know are very nice to me, they've gone out of there way to help me, some are even related to me, but I still don't have a personal relationship with them.  For that reason they wouldn't be on the invitation list.

In the same way many of you say that you know Jesus, but in reality you don't have a personal relationship with Him.  And because of that, when you stand before Him on the day of judgement He will say I don't know you.
Revelation 20:15
And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

You might respond saying that you gave to the poor (I helped Diana), I prayed, I went to church... He will still say, depart from me, I don't know you.
Luke 13:              

²⁷ But He will say, ‘I tell you I do not know you, where you are from. Depart from Me, all you workers of iniquity.’ 

Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?  Are you in the Word of God daily, are you in prayer constantly?  I don't mean that you have to be on your knees, but do you converse with Jesus throughout the day? Do you know Him, do you know that He has a purpose for your life? Are you accomplishing His purpose for your life here on earth? Do you know that He loves you more than you could ever imagine?

Cry out to Him, ask Him to be the Lord of your life, He loves you.  When the day comes He wants to be able to welcome you into eternity.  He doesn't want to say to any of you, 'Depart from me, I don't know you.'

Please, please, if you have any questions, if you want to know more about salvation through Jesus Christ, please let me know.  If you have made a decision for Christ let me know, I would love to rejoice with you in your salvation.  And if you would like, I'd be honored to help you find a church where you can begin to fellowship with other believers.

October 26, 2012

What happened on Sunday, October 14th?
(Part 1)

I am convinced now more then ever that the enemy didn't want my testimony to be seen or heard.  The enemy is out to steal, kill, and destroy, but greater is He that is in me then He that is in the world.

The last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me physically. There have been issues with my diabetes, migraines, balance, sleep, neuropathy, and everything in between.

In the weeks prior to the baptism my blood sugars started crashing and I had begun having 'episodes'.

I am a Type II diabetic, the trigger for my having diabetes was the use of steroids.  Several years ago (before being diagnosed with COPD), I was having problems recovering from a bout of either bronchitis or pneumonia (I don't remember which).  As a last resort the doctors had to put me on large dose of steroids (100mg daily).  I was finally able to breathe but a few months later I was diagnosed with diabetes.

When my sugars recently began crashing it would happen 2 - 3 times a week, they would range anywhere from the 40's - 60's.  To make a long story short, I'm still working on getting the diabetes under control; I've gone from taking 100 units of Lantus (long lasting insulin) daily to about 20 units daily.  Sometimes that's still too much and some times it's not enough.  It's still a work in progress, my doctors are working on this with me but currently feel this is the least of my worries.

I initially went to the doctor a few weeks ago for the diabetes but while I was there I had an episode.  An episode for me means getting very tired, dizzy, migraines, leaning (falling but not to the ground), numbness in the upper extremities and face, difficulty in speaking, etc...  The doctor immediately asked me to start doing some simple tests, finger to nose, fingers to thumb, standing with eyes closed, and vision; I failed each one.  She told me that she thought I was having a series of TIA's and that she was sending me in for a CT scan.

The next day I went in for the scan and praise God it didn't show anything.  The episodes continued as they had been for the last several weeks.  I chalked it up to my cervical spinal injuries and the migraines that I was experiencing on a daily basis.  The doctor explained to me that she was certain I was experiencing TIA's; she continued on that if the episodes occurred more frequently or the symptoms didn't diminish within a couple hours that I was to go to the emergency room.

Meanwhile we began some serious work focusing on the blood sugars, just in case the wide range in my numbers was the cause of these episodes.

By this time the day had come for my baptism, I was determined that the enemy wasn't going to win this fight; the baptism took place as planned on October 7th, what a glorious time it was.  (Click here to see the baptism)

The following week was tough, everyday was a fight and most days I just stayed in bed.  Finally it was Sunday again, I was really excited and wanted to join my church family in worshiping our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I was even more excited because I knew that once church was over I was going to post an entry in this blog with both my written baptism and the video.

The thing was, I just didn't feel good... I so badly wanted to climb back into bed, but then I heard the Lord speak to my heart.  So softly and gently He said, "You need to go to church, nobody is at home with you, if you go to church you will be surrounded by people if something happens".

A friend of mine picked me up and I got in her car... about half way to church my left foot started shaking and I thought 'I sure hope this stops before we get to church'.  It did and once we got to church I was able to go inside and see my church family, at the same time I was able to greet those who were baptized with me just one week before.

All of a sudden I became tired, not just tired but exhausted, I felt an episode coming on.  I didn't say anything to anyone but I thought, 'I just want to go home and go to bed', I knew I couldn't, church hadn't even started yet.   I decided to stay seated during the service, I was too tired to stand during praise and worship, again I thought, 'I just want to go home, if I stay seated I'll be okay'.

And then at one point things changed... one of the men in our church was teaching that morning and he said to turn to the book of Ezekiel in the Bible.  I couldn't find it, I was becoming irritated with myself, I thought, 'I know where Ezekiel is, why I can't I find it'.  Then I realized that I couldn't keep up with taking notes (the last thing I wrote down was John 10:1), I closed my Bible and put it next to me.  I remember thinking that I just need to get through church and then I can go home.

And just that quick things changed again... I thought "I need to tell someone that I don't feel good'.  But by then I knew that I couldn't simply get up and walk out of church, I knew that I would require assistance.  My mind was going back and forth, I should tell my friend sitting next to me, no, I didn't want to upset her, she had recently lost her husband.  I should tell the couple in front of me, no, I don't want to cause a disturbance, I'll just wait.

But then everything changed again, this time it went from me thinking about telling someone 'I don't feel good' to hoping that someone will realize that something is wrong with me.

I tried to move my arms but they just fell to my sides, I tried to focus my eyes on another friend in church (trying to catch her attention) but she was very attentively listening to every word being shared from the pulpit.

My head dropped, I tried to lift it up, I couldn't, I tried to lift my head again and again, still nothing, and then... well, I don't remember anything after that.

Another friend of mine (Nancy), sitting across the sanctuary noticed that I wasn't moving, she said that I looked like I was slumped over and was asleep.

The service was still going on at this point when she got up out of her seat and came over to me.  She told me that she took my hand and asked me if I was okay, she started slapping my hand, calling my name louder and stronger.

When I didn't respond she immediately got one of the nurses who attends our church, and then, almost as if it had been planned,  my church family went into motion.  I was told that it was like watching a finely turned orchestra perform, one that was led by the great conductor, our Heavenly Father.

What happened next... you'll have to wait until my next entry.  I will tell you that I don't remember anything that happened over the next few hours so I will be counting on others to piece it together for me.  That said... if you were at church on Sunday write me a note and tell me what you remember.  I'll put the puzzle pieces together and write it up for the next entry.

I learned something that day...
There were four times that morning (that I'm aware of) when God spoke to someones heart and their obedience may have saved my life.

1)  When God told me to go to church and not to stay at home because I would be surrounded by others.
2)  Before church something made Nancy take note of where the nurses in our church were seated (I believe that something was God speaking to her).
3)  When God nudged Nancy and had her glance over to me during the service.
4)  And then again, when He spoke to her telling her to get up, go over to me and check on me.

Something I want you to learn...
If God speaks to your heart, no matter how insignificant or ridiculous it might seem to you, be obedient.  You never know when you will save someones life, either literally, figuratively, or for eternity.

October 17, 2012

Below is a video of my testimony and recent water baptism.  Even further down the page you will find a written copy of my testimony (there are some parts of the video that are hard to hear because of the wind; I wanted to provide a written reference in case you missed something).

I started becoming ill about a week prior to the baptism.  I'm certain that the physical changes in my body are because the enemy (Satan) did not want my baptism to take place nor did he want this video to be seen or heard.

I was going to enter this post on Sunday, but the attack on my psychical body went to an entirely different level while I was at church and I ended up in the hospital.  Again, I firmly believe that the changes in my body are because the enemy does not want my testimony to be seen or heard.

Next week I will enter a new post with more detailed information as to what happened to me at church this past Sunday.  I will also share with you as to what an incredible church family I have.

As for now, my prayer is that through this testimony you will be moved to come to know my Lord as your personal Savior.  Or, for those that currently call yourselves believers (followers of Christ), I pray that you take a moment to reflect on your relationship with Christ Jesus.  Ask Him to show you if there are any areas in your life that need to be changed, ask Him to allow you to experience conviction if there is ongoing sin in your life that you haven't dealt with.

If you fall into either of those categories then ask Him to give you the power and strength you need to deal with turning your back on the enemy and your old sinful life.  Then look forward with anticipation to the life God has planned for you.  But know this, it won't be easy, the enemy doesn't want you serving the Lord, he wants to keep you for his own.  However, by making this decision and with God's help, you will have the assurance of knowing where you will spend eternity.  

If you have more questions after watching this video then please message me, I would be happy to talk with you.

**************

This is not only my testimony but a short story of my life, a part of my life that many of you have never heard.  I've been baptized before, it was when I was just 13 years old.  So the question is why I am getting baptized again.

Some people say that once you are saved you are always saved, some would say that I was guilty of backsliding; some say that I walked away from the Lord, and some say that I was a false convert.  I’m not sure what the proper title is for what happened, the only thing that I’m certain of is that I did not have a relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ when I was 13 years old.

I was raised in a family who attended church every Sunday morning and Sunday night, in addition we attended faithfully every Wednesday night.  My mother was a Sunday school teacher as far back as I can remember and my father always worked with young boys in a program called Royal Rangers (similar to Awana’s).

I met the man who was to be my husband in church when I was 15 years old.  I became engaged at the age of 16 and married just two months after turning 18.  Four days before turning 20 I gave birth to my firstborn, a beautiful baby girl we named Jennifer.   And three years, 17 days later I gave birth to my second born, a handsome baby boy we named Erich.

We continued to attend church… I begin working with the children’s ministry until it eventually grew into a position with a significant amount of responsibility.  I loved being a wife and a mommy, and really enjoyed the responsibility that came with what I did at the church.

But then, without much thought it happened, I became involved in what would become a lengthy extra marital affair.  I can list a hundred reasons as to why, how come, and only if… but none of that matters.  I single-handedly destroyed not only my marriage but my family.  During this time I had come to despise (even hate) my husband, everything he did was wrong in my eyes, from the way he breathed to the way he ate and everything in between.

I eventually became a person who was angry at everything… I had road rage, older people frustrated me because they moved and thought slowly, I didn't have time for those who didn't have a good grasp on the English language, and I looked down on those who were less fortunate than I was either with handicaps or financially.

Throughout this time I still considered myself to be a Christian; all the while living in darkness and believing the lies of Satan who was telling me that I was okay.  I blindly believed that God allowed me to meet the man I was involved with; I believed that I was learning so much from him and of course it was all real because God is the creator of love.

As time went on I stopped working at the church and eventually left.  Nobody questioned my behavior, no one asked me to leave; it was my own overwhelming guilt that I couldn't live with.  I cut myself off from all relationships that had anything to do with Christ.

Shortly thereafter I started to work and had the world at my fingertips.  International and domestic business trips, being able to give my kids more than they had before, it was wonderful.  At least that’s what I believed as I continued blindly into this world of sin and destruction.

At the time I thought I was giving my kids so much, everything they needed and so much of what they wanted.  What I didn't realize was that I had taken away everything they knew to be true; I removed the security that they had of having a mommy and daddy who loved each other and removed the only structure they had, a safe place for them to land, a home.

Just before our 19^th wedding anniversary we separated and I left the home (my husband and my children), I destroyed my family.  I might as well have taken a sledge hammer to my family and shattered them into a million tiny pieces.

I continued on with my life, climbing the ladder in the business world, the more money I made the better the lives I was able to give my children (or so I thought).  What I didn't realize was that I was doing just the opposite and continuing to destroy their lives.

My anger at the world continued to rage, I was still blaming my ex-husband, saying that every wrong in my life was his fault.  My life was depleted of any joy, peace, or happiness… I was miserable.  I kept looking for something, anything that would bring me joy, maybe if I worked harder, made more money, bought more things.  Nothing worked; I hated myself and the world that I lived in.

So many times I would pull up next to a railroad crossing; I often thought that this would be the least painful way, so quick so easy, and it would all be over in a second.  I didn't know why then, but I always pulled away and went home… looking back I praise God for His goodness in my life even before I received His free gift of salvation.

As time continued on I witnessed both of my children’s lives free fall; they crumbled right in front of me, and before I knew it I was a grandmother at the age of 39.  Still, my thought process was that if I worked hard enough and made enough money I could fix their troubles; I could ease their minds, and heal their hearts.

It was around this time that I started praying, asking God to bring someone into their lives who could be a light unto their paths.  Someone that could show them what life could be like for them as a Christian. 

Repeatedly God would speak to my heart telling me that I was the one who would transform before their very eyes; that I was to be the Christian role model they needed.  I would argue with God telling Him that it would take too long and that I couldn't just become a Christian overnight.  I continued arguing that if I became a follower of Christ that I would need to end some friendships; my life would need to turn completely around, there were so many things that I would need to give up.  I just wasn't ready to receive the free gift of salvation that our Lord has for each of us.

It was a couple of months later that I purchased a condominium, by myself and with no one’s help, I was so proud.  It was about a year later that I purchased my first new car, again, something I accomplished by myself, I was so very proud, I didn't need anyone’s help.

I’m going to back up a just a little bit… shortly after I purchased the condo (I was about 40 years), I developed a cough, it would come and go, the doctors weren't really sure of what it was, so life just went on.  But by the age of 41 the cough had become so severe that it caused injury to my spinal cord and required surgery.  Still the cough wouldn't go away, I was always sick with either bronchitis or pneumonia.  Eventually I became so weak that it was difficult just trying to climb a flight of stairs; every ounce of energy within my body was drained and I was no longer able to make it into work every day. 

Time had continued going by, then the day came, it was in March of 2005.  I had arrived at work, it took all I had to climb that flight of stairs and sit down at my desk.  I was doing the best I could with what little energy I had, and then, on the overhead speaker I heard my name as I was called into one of the partner’s office, once I arrived they informed me that they were letting me go.  They were no longer able to employ me since I rarely showed up to work and when I did, I didn't have the strength to do my job.

I was devastated, on my drive home that day I thought “What am I going to tell my children?"  “What are they going to think of me, I’m a failure?"  “How am I going to support myself and them, what are others going to think of me?”

It was right then that I remembered a little church that I would pass by on my way to and from work every day, the name of that church was Granada Hills Community Church. 

God then flashed before me everything that I had heard growing up and into adulthood.  He spoke to me as only He could, showing me what He did when He came to earth as a baby, as He grew into a man and then what He did to shed His blood for me on the cross.  Immediately I knew that if I gave my life to Him and received His free gift of salvation that I could rest in His arms for the rest of my time here on earth, but more importantly I could rest in His arms for all of eternity. 

It was that day that I gave my life to the Lord and received the most precious gift there is, the gift of salvation.  I've been serving my Lord ever since that day in March of 2005.

My life is no longer about what I have done, what I have accomplished, or how proud I am of myself.

Up until now I never gave being baptized a second thought; like I said a few minutes ago, I was baptized when I was thirteen years old, that’s all there was to it.

At least that’s what I thought until a few months ago when my daughter was baptized at her church.  She asked me why I hadn't been baptized since coming to know the Lord as my Savior. 

I didn't really have an answer; part of it was embarrassment, why did I go so long without being baptized.  Another part was that I didn't want anyone else to find out about the ugliness of my sinful life, I didn't want to say out loud what a horrible human being I was.  And on that same note, if there is someone who is hearing this or reading this, and I hurt you during that time in my life, and I haven’t apologized to you in person, then I want to do so now, I am so very, very sorry for all the hurt I caused you.

What I know now is that being baptized is something I must do if I want to continue to grow in Christ Jesus.  It’s not something that will make me perfect in Christ, I’m still going to make many mistakes, but it’s something that I’m doing out of obedience to Him in order to move forward in the life that He has for me.

It’s an outer display to all who know me that I have surrendered my all to Him, my Lord and Savior.  And it’s from this day forward that I am looking with anticipation as to what God is going to do in my life next.

What I know now to be true is that if God was the Lord of my life when I was 13 years old, the first time I was baptized, I never would have drug Him through the muck and mire of the sinful life that I led.

Did I know about Jesus back then?  Yes.  Did I think I was saved?  Again, yes.  Did I think I was going to heaven?  Absolutely yes.

How do I know I was wrong, because the Bible tells me so…

Matthew 7:

¹⁶ You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles? ¹⁷ Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸ A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. ¹⁹ Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰ Therefore by their fruits you will know them.

Matthew 7:

 ²² Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’

Luke 13:              

²³ Then one said to Him, “Lord, are there few who are saved?”  And He said to them, ²⁴ “Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I say to you, will seek to enter and will not be able. ²⁵ When once the Master of the house has risen up and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and knock at the door, saying, ‘Lord, Lord, open for us,’ and He will answer and say to you, ‘I do not know you, where you are from,’ ²⁶ then you will begin to say, ‘We ate and drank in Your presence, and You taught in our streets.’ ²⁷ But He will say, ‘I tell you I do not know you, where you are from. Depart from Me, all you workers of iniquity.’ ²⁸ There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, and yourselves thrust out.

How grateful I am to Jesus Christ for sacrificing His life on the cross so that I might live.  He received the punishment that I deserved.  I am so unworthy of the blood He shed, but am ever so grateful for the gift He has freely given.

September 27, 2011

Hi All ~

It's not often that I ask you to do something for me... but I am asking something of you today.

Please take 33 minutes out of your busy schedule and watch this documentary called 180.

There may be some moments during the movie that may be difficult for you to watch, but I would encourage you to watch it through to the end.

The movie does contain graphic images ~ Viewer discretion is advised.

http://www.180movie.com/

September 23, 2011

Before reading this I ask that you understand the following... my purpose for writing this blog is not to look for pity or handouts.

The primary purpose of this blog is to give praise and glory to my Lord and Savior for His continued love and provisions as I travel the road He's leading me on.

This entry will be short and to the point... I don't know if I am doing this for me or for those of you that I will eventually be seeing face to face.

There have been some changes to my face in the recent days (specifically my smile). And now, to get a glimpse of my new smile...

It's not often that something will bring me to tears, but to be honest with you this has been extremely difficult for me.

I'm trying to figure out why this has caused so many emotions to rush to the surface.

I've been through so much worse in the past... when I lost my job, had to sell my home, my car, and the majority of my belongings. Again when I had to start wearing diapers, when I could no longer color my hair and had to let it go gray, when the doctor said that because of my spinal cord injuries I could no longer drive, and the list goes on.

None of those others things caused me to feel the great sense of loss and sadness that I have felt with loosing these teeth.

I've worked through the emotions of sadness, loss, anger, and frustration. Now I'm working on the embarrasment of facing others. It's not so bad when I come face to face with those of you that I know, those of you who I see on a weekly, if not daily basis. You have been around to see my physical body (and my mind) slowly 'fall apart', it's not such a shock to you.

The embarrassment is when I come face to face with someone that I don't know or someone that I haven't seen in a long time. I can hear some of you now, "Don't worry about what others think." I wish that my thought process worked that way, but it doesn't.

I've not quite figured out all that God wants me to learn through this, but this is what I've learned so far...

Am I prideful when it comes to my looks?

I didn't think I was, but if that is the case, I'm certainly aware of it now.

Did I judge others who were missing teeth?

Most definitely, but I thought that I had a reason for doing so. My thinking was that most often when people have teeth that are missing it is a consequences of their lifestyle. (If you don't know what I am talking about, many addicts will loose their teeth because of the drugs and alcohol they consume). I figured that's what happens when you live the life you are choosing to live.

In case you are wondering, I will no longer be judging anyone by their appearance. From now on when I see someone that doesn't seem to have it all together I will stop to consider that I have no idea what they have been through or where they have been.

Instead, I will look at them through the eyes of my Heavenly Father, I will take the time to see their heart and their hurts.

A few days ago I had a conversation with someone who is very near and dear to me. He reminded me that my teeth are breaking off due to a consequence of something, and that they didn't break off 'just because'. That something is that I have a paralyzed stomach... a symptom of this is vomiting on a regular basis.

This vomiting is destroying my teeth and that is exactly why they are breaking off... does it make it any easier for me? NO! My emotions still twirl around in my mind as I try to come to terms with this and why it is that God would allow this to happen.

In all reality it has nothing to do with what God is allowing or not allowing. The truth is that this world we live in is not perfect. Having Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life doesn't mean that my life (or the life of anyone else) will be without heartache or pain...

What I do know is that God has already and will continue to use this to teach me and maybe others... I know that I've already begun to learn from this (as I mentioned earlier). If God uses this to show you something then please let me know, it truly would be an encouragement to me.

In all of this there is something to give God praise and glory for... even though my teeth are breaking off, I'm not in any pain. For that alone, I thank my Lord and Savior!

September 8, 2011

I was running my fingers through my hair a few weeks ago and a couple of hairs fell out. I was reminded at that moment how much God cares for me, not because of the few hairs that fell out, but because He knows the exact number of hairs that remain.

Matthew 10:30

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

It's been a very interesting few weeks, but God has been with me every step of the way. This is just a little peak into the way things have unfolded and the miracles that have taken place this past month.

As you read on there is something that you should know... I do receive Social Security Disability payments each month in the amount of $1,400. However, most of that money is eaten up in the monthly costs of medication and medical costs. This leaves little or no money for rent, food, or utilities.

***

As I wrote last, I was $800 short in my rent for July and $900 short with the amount due for rent in August.

eBay seemed to explode with sales shortly after I wrote that and with my Lord's help I was able to come up with an additional $260. This made the amount that I am in dept to my landlord a total of $1,440.

During this time I had been praying that God would begin to soften my landlords heart so that he would be willing to work with me.

The miracle...

The landlord gladly excepted what I had and didn't give me an eviction notice.

***

I had also made mention that my electricity was due to be shut off on August 2nd (it was actually scheduled to be shut off the next day, August 3rd). What I didn't tell you was that the amount owed for those 6 months that I was past due was over $1,000.

Jennie drove me over to the Department of Water and Power... But before walking in I paused and asked the Lord to go in before me (to do what, I didn't know). At this point, on August 2nd, I didn't have any money to take in with me, the total amount in my purse was $0.00. My checking account was overdrawn and there wasn't a penny to be found anywhere in the house (even in the couch cushions).

The miracle...

I walked through the door and got up to the window... she pulled up my account and asked how I would like to pay. I told her that I didn't have any money, "Then your water and power will be shut off tomorrow" she said. I asked her to please give me one more week, "I can't" she said. Then she paused and asked me if I could come up with just $20. I asked her to let me go out to the car and see if my daughter had any money. After going through her purse Jennie was able to pull together $20 and I went back in to give her the money. To my amazement, she told me that she could give me two additional weeks.

***

It was just a few days after this that my clothes dryer stopped working. (Something to note - this dryer was just 5 years old and the extended warranty ran out in July - I didn't have the money to renew it). I was able to take it apart, fiddle with it and then put it back together... that effort gave the dryer a few more days of life, but in the long run it needed to be replaced.

God and I had a conversation over this... Hello God, don't you realize that I need every penny I can get my hands on to pay the electric bill? How am I suppose to come up with money to get a new (used, but new to me) dryer. The answer that I received back is that He wants to stretch my faith. Okay God, but do you really think I need to continue these faith stretching exercises?

After spending much time looking, God lead me to a dryer that was just a couple of blocks away from where I spent my teenage years in West Hills and it was only going to cost $50.

A great big thank you to Jeralynn for taking me and Ricky over to pick it up (they have a trailer that was able to transport it back to my house).

The miracle(s)...

That I had made almost exactly $50 on eBay just days before finding this dryer.

And then, the complete peace God gave me with this dryer. Once I found out where they lived, I knew this was the dryer God had set aside for me.

***

As you read on, keep in the back of your mind that I'm needing to put 100% of my effort into doing yard sales and eBay so that I can come up with enough money to pay the electric bill.

***

I became quit tired and not feeling good... I still don't understand why God allowed this to happen. But then it's not up to me to know God's master plan, His will for my life.

The bottom line, the new 'Blood Glucose Monitor' that I had received wasn't reading my numbers correctly. What it was telling me was that my sugars were okay, when in fact they were hoovering in the 200 - 300's (they should be between 90 - 150).

Once we found this out my doctor decided to temporarily increase the amount of insulin that I needed to take. My insurance (for whatever reason) wouldn't cover the insulin that I so badly needed.

My doctor didn't have any samples and there was no way that I could afford to purchase it. So with the combination of no insulin and high blood sugar numbers, I really didn't feel very good.

This went on for about two weeks... then finally my doctor was able to get some samples and things started looking better.

(P.S. I'm still in the process of getting a glucose monitor that works accurately.)

The miracle... I'm still here and didn't end up in the hospital during that time.

***

With me feeling better, I only had a few days left before I had to pay the electric bill. God gave me the energy and we did a yard sale (in addition to eBay).

The miracle... because I hadn't had enough energy to go through my treasures, there wasn't very much put out to sell at the yard sale... still, over $500 was made that day.

Between that money, a financial gift and overdraft protection... the bill was paid in full.

***

At this point I'm going full force to try and make rent for September. I need to come up with money to cover the overdraft protection in addition to the $1,800 rent money that's coming due. This is not to mention the the $1,440 I am still in arrears to my landlord for.

Sunday night (August 28th) I was working on eBay, at the same time worrying about how the rent was going to be paid. Just then I noticed that something had sold on eBay (it sold for $9.99)

It was at the moment that God spoke to my heart... He promised that He would take care of me. He promised me that if I did my part that He would take care of me.

(I already knew that I had given everything I could financially that morning in church, it was only $20, but it was all that I had, I didn't have another penny to my name.)

At that same moment He told me to put everything that I had into this yard sale, every ounce of energy and everything that I could find (and that's just what I did).

He never promised me that my rent would be paid, but what He did promise is that He would take care of me.

Since that very moment when God spoke to my heart and mind, I was instantly flooded with complete and perfect peace. I was almost giddy with excitement to see just how it is that God was going to take care of me.

I want you to remember this part that I have italicized.

***

The yard sale was wonderful... another $500 plus was made. But that wasn't near enough to begin covering what I needed.

In addition to one of my friends being there to help with the yard sale, my Pastor's son also spent the day helping out. At the end of the day he suggested that we do it again on Monday... what a great idea, and that's exactly what we decided to do.

***

My goal in all of this was to give my landlord the rent in full, $1,800. I thought if I can do that then he might at least have faith in me that I am trying my best and he would let us stay on living here. I thought I would explain to him that I would continue on do my best to pay him back as quickly as possible.

God had other plans.

***

It's now Sunday, late afternoon.... I had looked at the weather forecast to see how hot it was going to be... in the 100's. But, they also said there was a chance of rain... WHAT? In California, the end of August?

If I set everything up and it rained then I would lose everything.

Lord, do you want me to move forward or cancel the yard sale?

As I sat there trying to decide what to do, my mother sent me a note on Facebook...

Daddy and I will help you pray the rain will be held back. "Where two or three are gathered together in my name there I am in the midst of them." Thank God for His word and that He is in control of the weather and Our Lives. Love you, Mom and Dad

Okay God, I will trust that this is confirmation to move forward. And that's just what I did.

As I was continuing to get ready for the yard sale Jeralynn called me... She wanted to know if I had seen the huge rainbow. I went outside and sure enough, there it was, bigger then life. (Later I found out the this was seen by many, all over the San Fernando Valley).

I paused to look up and thank God for this second confirmation that He sent me, I needed to move forward.

We went out to hang signs up that night... the sky was lit up with lightening strikes, they were everywhere. Again I prayed, God this is all so confusing to me. And in that still small voice He said, Trust Me.

The first thing I did when I woke up Monday morning was to look outside to see if it had rained. The sky was dark and full of clouds, but not a drop had fallen. At least not at that point.

***

There was no rain on Saturday... at one point we had a few 'big' drops, but then the skies parted and the sun came out.

Only about 25 people came to the yard sale and yet the total sale brought $130.

At the close of the yard sale Rick and I went to take the signs down, but only 5 of them were still up... someone had gone through and taken down 10 of the signs... which makes this profit of $130 even more of a miracle!

Not only were the signs taken down, but some were ripped in half, while others had been stomped on. I didn't understand, someone was really angry about us having a yard sale.

***

Although $130 is a good deal of money, I was extremely discouraged. By this point I had a total of $1,500 to give my landlord, but that was all I had, it wasn't even close to the $1,800 I had hoped for.

It's now Tuesday and my landlord is on his way over... I'm not sure what he's going to say when I tell him that I only have a portion of the rent money to give him. Furthermore, I now owe him $1740.

The miracle...

Remember what I wrote above in italics; God told me know that if I did my part that He would take care of me... this is what happened.

Once he arrived I told him how much I had and reviewed with him what I owed him in back-rent.

I asked him what he wanted to do...being that I owe him so much money and that I have no idea how I am ever going to pay that back. I continued on letting him know that I have no idea how much I will be able to give him each month going forward.

I asked him if he wanted us to move out... He himmed and hawed, and then this is what he said...

He is leaving in two weeks to go to Italy to care for his parents. He will be there for at least one month, maybe two, maybe longer.

He told me to continue on doing the best that I can.... no matter what that is, just do my best to come up with as much rent money as I can each month.

Maybe around the first of the year we will re-visit this whole thing and see where it lands.

Meanwhile, "don't worry" he said, just do your best.

I asked again about the $1,740 I owe him in past rent... 'that's the last thing on my mind right now', you are taking care of my home and I'm just not too concerned about the money right now'.

When he left I broke down into tears thanking God! What landlord does this?

God did exactly as He promised He would do... He didn't provide the rent in full, but He took care of me.

I can rest assured that I will be here through at least until the end of the year and probably far beyond that.

I love my Lord, my Abba Father, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I'm finding it hard to put into words how grateful I am to serve such an awesome, powerful, wonderful God!

I have been jumping up and down ever since, breaking down in tears, falling to the ground and giving thanks to my Lord as I am so unworthy of His goodness!

***

I had used every penny in the house to give him as much money as I could. This left no money for medications or food.

Just now, today (Thursday) the mail came... what was in the mail? A check for $100... can I get an AMEN!

I'm making my list so that one of the kids can go shopping for me to get some things I've done without the last couple of weeks. I might even splurge and get a salad and some chicken... yummy!

By the way, thank you to those who sent the check!

***

Please join me in giving thanks to my Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ for His everlasting goodness!

It's a new month now, I'm sure there will be new twists and turns, but I can't wait to see what God has planned for my life.

Love,

Diana