January 9, 2008
I Know ~ by Michelle A. Meade
He captures each tear that drips down your face, and tenderly places them into His bottle. When you cry, you are not alone. When you think no one could possibly understand the pain you feel...He knows.
He is right there beside you, collecting those precious drops, a weary mind, tears you sow, down your cheek the pain it flows, tattered...on your knees you go. He’ll hold your face and say, "I know".
(Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.)
First, let me express my sympathy to those of you who have lost a loved one over the last several weeks and even as recent as a couple days ago. Several of you have suffered the loss of a close family member over this Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years holiday; please know that you have been and continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
(John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid”.)
Thank you for the many prayers that went up on my behalf on January 2nd, the angiogram went very well. The results… the blockage was not located.
I will give you a laugh before we go on… When lying on the table they reassured me that this procedure would be just like going to the dentist. My father has had this done many times for his heart and never once did he complain of any discomfort. The entry point of this angiogram is just like a heart angiogram (if you are uncertain as to the location then look it up ~ I’m not going into detailsJ).
I was given several shots to ensure that I was numb. Not once did it cross my mind that because it’s quite difficult to get me numb at the dentist office that this would come into play during this procedure. Anyway, just as soon as they began to make the incision I let out a holler! I knew they had given me shots with a numbing medication, I felt the injections, but WOW, did it hurt.
Needless to say, for the next 45 minutes I felt everything that went on. They gave me as much of a pain killer as they could but I had to be awake and alert during the procedure. I had to hold my breath, let it go, hold my breath, let it go, and so on…
Finally, back in my room I received a nice shot of something and went to sleep. It wasn’t until after I was back at home, and I found some homemade soup that I remembered that Kathy (my Pastors wife) and Jeralynn had both been in the room with me after the procedure. I sure hope I didn’t say anything that either one of you can use against me in the future.
What do the results of this angiogram mean? Well, I wish God would let me in on whatever it is that is going on. What my neurosurgeon has explained is that there is indeed a blockage according to the MRI that was taken earlier in December. He continued on saying that the blockage did not appear in the angiogram.
He has scheduled a MRI with contrast for yet another look at this artery. I was scheduled for the MRI on January 8th, but because of the headache that I have been suffering from I had to cancel the appointment. This procedure has been rescheduled for January 17th.
Meanwhile I remain dizzy, nauseas, and have a migraine with a constant pain scale of about 6-7.
I did discuss with my neurosurgeon the possibility of removing the plate in the back of my neck, thinking that if there was any remote possibility that this could be the cause of the aforementioned symptoms that I want this done immediately. He said that he believed with most certainty that the plate was not the cause of my symptoms. He continued saying that right now the risk of surgery would far-out-way any benefits of doing this on the slight chance that it worked.
It’s been a busy week as I have made several doctor appointments for the next couple weeks. While in the hospital I developed a nasty, annoying, infection and am now taking med’s to treat it. And finally, I have a consult with a new doctor, schedule for Thursday. Dependent upon what this doctor has to say, I will then provide you with details. As for now, this appointment will fall under the category of “too much information”. Even though these things are all very small and insignificant, I am feeling very much overwhelmed and worn down both physically and mentally.
Additionally, as the first of 2008 came into being, I became fully aware that the number of days in which I still have health insurance are quickly dwindling away.
For me the past several days have turned into a time of extreme anxiousness and fear.
(Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.)
(1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.)
(2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.)
I’m frustrated; I’m tired of being sick… I feel like an old car that just needs to be junked. If it’s not one thing it’s something else, if I’m feeling good, then I’m thinking about the disability case, or where I am going to get health insurance or how the bills will be paid.
(Psalm 37:5-7
5 Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. 6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
7 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.)
I am sharing this with you not because I’m looking for pity or anything else for that matter. I just want you to know that I am human. Even though I know that I am saved and that Christ has not forgotten about me, I’m still human, with human emotions.
You have no idea how I cherish the emails, phone calls and notes. Just letting me know that you are holding me up in prayer means more to me than you will ever know. A very dear friend said to me that she wished she knew how to encourage me. I told her that the greatest gift given, the biggest blessing received is when I hear a message on my answering machine or get a note saying that someone is praying for me.
There are times when I am laying in bed, not able to concentrate enough to even pray. But I can rest on the fact that I know much prayer is going up on my behalf, to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Much of the past several days I simply haven’t had the strength to even get out of bed. Some of that is literal, as I feel physically exhausted.
(Judges 16:28a Then Samson prayed to the Lord, “Sovereign Lord, remember me again. O God, please strengthen me.)
But more important, the stress of life has become overwhelming to me in the last several days. I would rather just bury my head and not be required to deal with anything.
My friend Jeralynn has been a great source of strength to me lately. Before I go on, you must know that I love my friend dearly, if it wasn’t for her I’m not sure where I would be.
She is constantly in my house, at my front door, in my backyard, or on the phone with me. The other day I went from the house to the garage, between these areas is a patio. From Jeralynn’s kitchen window she can see into my backyard. Well, she saw my head over the fence, I came out of the garage and there she was. “What are you doing in the backyard?” I asked. She said, “I just wanted to make sure you were wearing your knee brace.” Well, I wasn’t, even though she had called earlier and asked that same question, I still hadn’t put it on.
For those of you who don’t know my friend Jeralynn, she just doesn’t give up. It’s very hard for me to say no to Jeralynn, it’s much easier to just say yes and do what I am told. Are you wearing your knee brace? Taking your med’s? Eating properly? Calling your doctor? Filling out your paperwork? Making appointments? And it goes on…
On the days that I haven’t been able pull myself up by my bootstraps Jeralynn has done that job for me.
Just because I asked Jesus Christ to be the Lord of my life, this doesn’t mean that the red carpet was rolled out in front of me. If anything, the closer my relationship with Jesus Christ becomes, the more challenging my life has become.
Why? Because Satan, the evil one (the enemy) would love for me to fall on my face, to turn from Christ and fall into depths of despair that I could not escape from.
Instead, every morning when I wake up I must make a choice to say thank you to my Lord for His continued goodness and mercy in my life. Sometimes I need to really look around for something to be thankful for, but I do it regardless.
(1 Chronicles 16: 34 O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good; for his mercy endures for ever.)
It is also important that I open the Word of God (the Bible) and fill my heart and mind with His promises for my life. Additionally, I need to daily renew my faith in my Lord and Savior. I must continue to focus on God’s word in the midst of what seems to be a storm that has surrounded me.
(Luke 8:22-25
22 One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and started out.
23 As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger.
24 The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm.
25 Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?” The disciples were terrified and amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!”)
As for me, if I didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ I would have nothing. Right now, at this point in my life, there is only one thing I have to hold on to; the promises of God.
The scripture verses in this update are verses that God has given me this past week. These verses have kept me going day after day!
Some of you have asked what my favorite scripture verse is; I can’t say that I have one favorite verse. The entire Word of God (Bible) has been and continues to be a source of strength and comfort for me.
Prayer Requests:
(Philippians 4:6b But in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.)
~ Health Insurance be provided
~ Wisdom and direction for doctors and those reading the many tests that are continuing to be done
~ Continued swiftness in needed medical authorizations
~ Court date for Social Security Disability Insurance
~ God’s continued provisions for my basic needs
~ And of course, if God were to see fit, a miraculous healing
With much love to you all,
Diana
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