July 24, 2009 ~ Weekly Update #52

Whether you care or not I'm going to be periodically posting pictures of the most beautiful grandchildren in the world (by the way they are mine). To those of you who have your own grandchildren, don't argue with me about this... you don't have to admit mine are the most beautiful, just as long as you and I both know this will remain an unstated fact.

I apologize for the phone calls, emails, and acknowledgments that have not been returned. I'm not positive as to what the next couple months are going to hold so I wanted to give everyone a quick update and a short explanation as to why I haven't been responding.

A couple months ago I had gone to the doctor and had a very interesting visit. He stated in no uncertain terms that I needed to either start fighting to live or that I needed to begin planning my funeral.

I went home and spent a great deal of time in reflection as to what I really wanted. As I expressed in my last update leaving this earth isn't a horrible thought for me... in fact it's one that I am very much looking forward too. I know where I am going and can't wait to spend eternity worshiping my Lord and Savior.

The choice that I had been given wasn't that it was time to fight so that I can get better and one day return to work, start driving again, have the ability to clean my home, or doing anything else more then what my life already consists of. It was do I want to start fighting for my life, to stay alive and continue living life the way it is right now or was I ready to give up the fight.

I went on to have a conversation with God, it went kinda like this... God, I really do want a life... just not the kind that it looks like I'm going to end up with. I don't like my life, I'm not entirely able to take care of myself and I really don't like that. My life is going down a path that looks as though I may not be making my own decisions for much longer and I don't like it.

The choice I made was for life and the change has begun... the primary care doctor that I've had for over 15 years released me from his care. He stated that I need to begin seeing a doctor who is closer to where I live... I need a primary doctor who can see me at least once a month. The change to a new doctor has been made, God has sent me an angel for a doctor... she is wonderful and it is good to have new insight. There are so many other changes that I need to make... the list is far too long to write out at this time.

I'm now on some sort of critical care list... the health care group that I belong to allows for additional assistance (critical care) for those who have a serious illness. My doctor has assigned me a social worker and a patient liaison... the social worker checks in on me once or twice weekly and my liaison checks in on me almost everyday.

This is in addition to Jeralynn coming in every morning to see if God has chosen to give me life for another day or if He has decided to take me home during the night.

Being on the critical care list has its benefits... I was sick a couple weeks ago so I called my liaison at around 2:30... she put me on hold and called my new doctor. She came back on the line and told me to get there as soon as I could, that they were waiting for me. When we arrived there were already a handful of other patients in the waiting room but they walked me straight to the back to see the doctor. I don't think more than five minutes had gone by when I walked out with a prescription in hand. Nothing is worth being this sick but it sure felt nice being treated like royalty (hehehe).

Now for the biggest change... my doctors, social worker, and patient liaison feel that it may be time for me to move into a residential health care facility (aka... modern day convalescent home) where I can receive 24 hour – round the clock care.

So many things continue to run thru my mind, like "I DON'T WANT TO GO"! There are many positives to this arrangement, they would make sure that I take my meds, test my blood regularly, I would be eating a proper diet, have someone around if I fall, etc...

On the other hand, there are so many, many more negatives... again, too many to mention individually. For example, and in case you missed it in the aforementioned paragraph, "I DON'T WANT TO GO", finances need to be considered, being able to see my children and grandchildren, (yes, they will still visit but not like they do now) etc...

I've been told that there are many fun activities in these facilities like afternoon bingo, weekly bus trips to the mall, and then there is the social hour when we all gather for meals...

Really, are you kidding me???? I'm 46 not 86, not to mention I have my own activities thank you very much. I'd much rather focus on making it to church every Sunday and throughout the week, and then there are my children and grandchildren; if I'm going to sit and play with anyone it will be my grandsons.

Regardless, the only thing that truly matters is that I remain in the will of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. God already knows the desire of my heart... He hears me shouting I DON'T WANT TO GO...

With all kidding aside... here's the best part... He (my God, my Lord, my Savior) already knows where I will be living come September, October, and the rest of my life for that matter.

Some have said that God can and will give me a new purpose & joy for living if He is to move me. I don't want a new purpose or joy for living... I like my current purpose (which by the way is that of my children and grandchildren).

If you would do me a favor, when you think of me then please pause for a moment and pray that God would give me direction as to what path He has for my life. I didn't say that I want to know what my future holds... that's not a good idea for any of us. However, at this point I'm not even sure as to which direction God is pointing me in.

If you have read my blog from the beginning then you know that I am willing to be obedient to my Lord. I began losing my health, that followed with losing my job, my home, and my furnishings, my car, and the ability to decide when, where and how to do any and every thing...

In fact it wasn't until I lost my job that I truly gave my life to my Lord and Savior; that is when my life really began.

There is just so much to do and so many decisions to be made... in speaking with Jeralynn I told her that I feel as though my house has imploded on me. I'm now seeking and searching for a way out so that I can find a paper and pen to make a list of what needs to be done.

I hope this helps you understand why I haven't been so quick to return calls, emails, or any other inquiries lately.

Love to you all,

Diana

May 29, 2009 ~ Weekly Update #51

I hit it big... I'm rich!

Don't get too excited... this is just what the government tells me. It seems as though every time I turn around I'm given new information... this time the government is telling me how well off I am.

If you remember back about a year ago you will recall that I started receiving SSDI benefits which totaled a little over $1,400 each month.

Around that same time I had been denied MediCal benefits and then without cause began to receive those same benefits just a short time later. I was very happy because MediCal not only covered medical costs (with some exceptions) but also provided me with much needed dental coverage.

So far 2009 has been a good year in regards to finances for me; I'm finally at a place where I'm not needing to ask anyone for money to pay my rent or bills. I've even begun (a little bit at a time) repaying those to whom I owe money, whether they be individuals or corporations, at least I've been able to start repaying my debt. Regardless this is the first year that I haven't gone further into debt just to survive.

At the beginning of the year those of us who receive SSI (Social Security) or SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) received an increase in our monthly checks. I was so excited as I was going to start receiving $1,525 each month instead of the $1,440 that I was currently receiving. My first thought was Praise The Lord, I can actually start paying back what I owe everyone and everything at a quicker rate.

And then it came, a letter from my case worker... after reading it the first time I had to sit down and read it again, and then re-read just one more time. The letter was to inform me that I was no longer qualified to receive MediCal. It continued stating that after reviewing my case it was determined that I receive too much money to continue receiving benefits. The letter did provide some reassurance though... because I'm disabled I still qualify for the opportunity to receive the much needed Medicare benefits; that is as long as I was willing to pay the premiums of $100 monthly.

Bottom line, I'm beginning to be okay losing MediCal and paying for Medicare. I'm learning that it won't be long before MediCal is eliminated all together as a part of reconstructing California's State Budget. All this means is that I would have lost it eventually; I just lost it sooner then others will.

I discovered that I should have never been granted MediCal benefits in the first place. In all reality even the $1,440 each month that I had been making was above the maximum amount that one can make in order to qualify for benefits. My case worker continued telling me that the only reason that I had been able to keep those benefits over the past year was because my case hadn't been reviewed since my first applying for it; if it had been reviewed the benefits would have ended immediately. My only thought after reading this letter was to thank my Lord for allowing me to have the benefits as long as I did.

After reviewing several insurance options I have selected a new secondary insurance. I choose SCAN as it best meets my needs and the best part - there are no monthly premiums.


Okay, now for something to laugh at... In 2008 I was making $1,440 / month and was paying prescription co-pays; but that was about it.

As of January 1st 2009 I began making $1,525 / month (yippee). Because I no longer qualify for MediCal I now have co-pays for everything and after paying the $100 monthly premium for Medicare; I'm left with a grand total of $1,425 each month.

In case you've lost track I'm now making less then I was before receiving my big raise in January 2009!

Regardless of all that you have just read, I really am rich! You see I'm a Child of the King and I know that one day I will go to my 'Heavenly Home' where the streets are paved with gold.


Following is what the Bible says heaven will be like – it's kinda long – but certainly worth the read.

Revelation 21
1 Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea.
2 Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
3 And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God.
4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
5 Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”
6 And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts.
7 He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son.
8 But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.”
9 Then one of the seven angels who had the seven bowls filled with the seven last plagues came to me and talked with me, saying, “Come, I will show you the bride, the Lamb’s wife.”
10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great and high mountain, and showed me the great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God,
11 having the glory of God. Her light was like a most precious stone, like a jasper stone, clear as crystal.
12 Also she had a great and high wall with twelve gates, and twelve angels at the gates, and names written on them, which are the names of the twelve tribes of the children of Israel:
13 three gates on the east, three gates on the north, three gates on the south, and three gates on the west.
14 Now the wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
15 And he who talked with me had a gold reed to measure the city, its gates, and its wall.
16 The city is laid out as a square; its length is as great as its breadth. And he measured the city with the reed: twelve thousand furlongs. Its length, breadth, and height are equal.
17 Then he measured its wall: one hundred and forty-four cubits, according to the measure of a man, that is, of an angel.
18 The construction of its wall was of jasper; and the city was pure gold, like clear glass.
19 The foundations of the wall of the city were adorned with all kinds of precious stones: the first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third chalcedony, the fourth emerald,
20 the fifth sardonyx, the sixth sardius, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst.
21 The twelve gates were twelve pearls: each individual gate was of one pearl. And the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent glass.
22 But I saw no temple in it, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple.
23 The city had no need of the sun or of the moon to shine in it, for the glory of God illuminated it. The Lamb is its light.
24 And the nations of those who are saved shall walk in its light, and the kings of the earth bring their glory and honor into it.
25 Its gates shall not be shut at all by day (there shall be no night there).
26 And they shall bring the glory and the honor of the nations into it.
27 But there shall by no means enter it anything that defiles, or causes an abomination or a lie, but only those who are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.

If you know my God, my Lord Jesus Christ then how can you be anything but excited about getting to heaven. Just knowing that we will forever dwell in the glory of the Lord is enough, let alone no more sorrow, no more pain, and then add in the beauty of it all. If you know the Lord as I do then there is no fear of death; instead an anticipation of spending eternity worshiping the Lord God Almighty.

Meanwhile, I am still here on earth and my Heavenly Father continues to watch over me... He continues to provide all of my needs and even some of my desires.

If I were to put my monthly expenses on paper for you then you would see that it doesn't make sense as to how anything gets paid. My rent alone far exceeds the $1,500 I was making just a month ago; that doesn't include utilities, food, or medical. Not to mention anything else that one might need or even wish for.

My children continue to contribute to my monthly income; this is something that no parent wants especially when the children are young adults (Jen 26, Rick 23). Even with the money they contribute it doesn't add up; all that I know is that my Lord continues to provide.

He knows my every thought, He knows every tear I cry, and He even knows when to drop little blessing into my lap that will keep me going thru the deserts and valleys of life.

During these past couple weeks God spoke to some of you asking that you start praying for me and you did just that. For reasons that having nothing to do with finances the past couple of weeks have been difficult ones for me. There are decisions that I need to make and some realities that I need to face... to be honest, I don't want to make any decisions and I don't want to face any new realities.

As I look back over the past couple weeks I see how amazing God is and how much He cares about how I feel. My Lord and Savior knows me intimately, He knows how to guide me thru until the next day, and the next, and so on... There are decisions still needed to be made and reality still needs to be faced but God dropped two little reasons into my lap that has given me a desire to face the reality of life.

Those two little reasons came when Jennie and Alex's little boy, Nathaniel Alexander and Melissa's little girl, Gianna Faith (pronounced G Anna) were born. Each of these babies arrived two weeks early; just five days apart from each other and both in perfect health.

Only God knows how much I needed those two little angels to come into my life at the exact moment they did. I sit in awe at how my Lord organizes every detail of the lives of His children. He knows at what exact moment to provide for our every need - emotionally, physically, lovingly, and tenderly.

With Love,
Diana

May 25, 2009 ~ Weekly Update #50

She's here... baby number two!

This little girl arrived on May 24, 2009. She weighed in at 6lbs 2oz and was 19" long (the same length of Nathaniel).

She is 19 hours old in this picture!

We are all anxious to know the name this precious little girl will be given... sources have it that the name won't come until tomorrow.

This little darling decided that she wasn't going to let Nathaniel (her cousin) show her up and decided that she would arrive two weeks early too.

Love to all!

May 19, 2009 ~ Weekly Update #49

He's here... Nathaniel Alexander... born on May 19, 2009 at 6:09pm.

Are you ready for this... his birth weight was 6lbs 15oz... pretty far off from what the doctors had predicted.

When I left the hospital they still hadn't measured him yet so I don't have a length for you.

The picture shown is little Nate only 50 minutes old!

Nicholas and I are off to bed right now... my next goal is to get him up and off to school in the morning.

I'm exhausted and feel like I've been hit by a truck... but it's been worth every minute!

Love,

Grandma Diana

May 18, 2009 ~ Weekly Update #48

I'm working on a new entry and will be getting it out sometime this week, but meanwhile some news...

I just couldn't keep it to myself and had to tell somebody... so why not tell everybody...

We're having a baby tonight! Well, I should say that Jennifer will be induced tonight at 8:00pm.

The reason for being induced is that mommy's blood pressure is continuing to rise... as of right now mommy and baby are doing just fine. The doctor decided to induce now rather than to wait for this pregnancy to turn into an emergency delivery.

Since Jen will be delivering two weeks early Dr. Diana (that's me) thinks little Nathaniel will come into this world weighing around 8 pounds instead of the estimated 9 - 10 pounds the doctors expected him to weigh in at with a full term birth.

I expect this should be a very normal birth with no complications.

However, if you would, please take a moment to pray that all goes well for mommy and baby Nathaniel... you can also pray that daddy won't pass out and for grandma (that's me) to have the strength I need to enjoy each moment of the next couple days.

Love to you all,

The most excited grandma on the face of this earth!

May 13, 2009 ~ Weekly Update #47

My life has finally taken a bit of a breather; at least for the moment.

At the amazement of many I was able to throw two baby showers, one for Melissa on May 2nd and one for Jennie on May 9th. I didn't do it alone... but, I will take credit for coming up with this 'bright' idea. The credit for making these baby showers happen goes to Lisa and Jeralynn (along with several others). Lisa and Jeralynn went along with my idea and I didn't hear one word of discouragement from either of them. Instead they showed up and did all of the work, both before the showers and during the showers.

I now have three weeks before the babies arrive; Jennie is due on June 2nd; her baby boy weighs 7 pounds as of last week; the doctor expects her baby to arrive weighing in at about 9 – 10 pounds. I am anxious to see what he will look like (as his grandmother I'm sure he will be the most adorable, most handsome little boy born in 2009).

Then comes Melissa's baby; she is due on June 10th, her baby girl currently weighs 5lbs 9oz; the doctor expects her baby to weigh in at around 6 ½ – 7 ½ pounds (and of course she will be the most adorable little baby girl born in 2009).

I'm sure I will receive much grief about my stating that these two babies are the most beautiful that will be born in 2009 as many of my friends are also receiving the gift of new grandchildren this year. Just remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and as for me I've already determined the beauties for 2009.

It's amazing to me to see how specific doctors can be before babies are born. How much they will weigh, any developmental and health issues they might have; they can anticipate almost everything that will happen at birth.

This makes me think of how specific God was when He created each of us individually.
Psalm 139: 13-16
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

I love this scripture ... When He was creating each of us He already knew what our life would be, He already knew the path each of us would take, and He already knew the day each of us would pass into eternity (either heaven or hell).

You can count on the fact that I will let you know the minute these babies are born and will include pictures proving to you of their beauty!

So many things to give thanks for right now... this is the first time since being released from the hospital that I have been off antibiotics for more than two weeks at a time. Yes, you read that correctly, I've been on at least 15 different rounds of antibiotics since being discharged from the hospital in December; that means I'm on antibiotics almost three weeks out of every month.

We all have heard that one is not to take antibiotics unless it is absolutely necessary. I did question my doctor about this, unfortunately with this disease there is no other choice. If someone around me has the sniffles or is sneezing I will catch it and whatever it is goes straight to my lungs and an infection sets in.

For the most part I've been going back and forth between a Z-Pack ( Zithromax or Azithromycin) and Levaquin... I've not needed to be on steroids as much as I was at the beginning of the year, this has been an answer to prayer.

The real answer to prayer is that I've been off all antibiotics (& steroids) for three weeks now... that's the longest duration without any since being admitted to the hospital mid-December 2008. Praise The Lord!

I did see my lung doctor on Monday; he asked how I was doing, I responded “Great”. He said, “No you're not”, “You're doing minimally good”. He told me not to take for granted the fact that I'm feeling as good as I am right now. He reminded me that while I think I'm doing good I need to be consistent with my medication, not missing even one dose.

What he meant by doing minimally good is that I am one sneeze or cough away from going back to the hospital. I need to go thru life fully prepared for battle; wearing a face mask when I go out, doing daily breathing exercises, daily breathing treatments, sleeping with oxygen and a vaporizer, staying away from wind and smoke, and taking my medications.

When I'm feeling good I tend to not be faithful in doing treatments, taking meds, or exercising my lungs (or physical body for that matter).

Skipping and missing the things that I must do allows for gaps in my armor; thus giving germs a way to sneak in and before I know it I'm down for the count.

This is the same way it is for Christians, we need to daily put on the armor of God.
Ephesians 6:10-18
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.
11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.
17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;
18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints.

What does this mean... I will admit, there are days I wake up feeling pretty good. Since I'm feeling so good I want to get as much done that day as possible. So I get out of bed thinking I will talk to God (spend time in prayer) later, I need to get things done. I will read His word (the Bible) later, I need to get things done. Well later usually doesn't come on those days and I skip over spending time with my Lord all together.

When I choose to miss spending time in prayer and in reading my Bible I've missed putting on the armor of God and I've opened the door to the enemy. This effects the way I respond to others, my attitude and actions, and most importantly I miss out on being prepared to handle whatever the enemy (Satan) is going to throw my way that day.

When I prepare for battle in regards to my my health it's an ongoing event throughout the day. Taking medications morning, noon, and night; I prepare myself when I get up, throughout the day and then again at night. The evening takes as much preparation as the morning takes; I need to make sure the vaporizer has water so that there is enough moisture in there air for the entire night. I check to see if it's cool enough outside to sleep with the bedroom window open or if it's okay to sleep with just the fan on, and on occasion whether I need to sleep with the air conditioner on. Before laying down I need to turn the fan on, turn on the oxygen machine, turn on the vaporizer, take more meds, and do a breathing treatment. It's a great deal of preparation in order to protect myself during the night.

Again, it's the same way with the armor of God... if I haven't taken time to speak with my Lord before going to sleep and spend time in His word (Bible) then I haven't prepared myself for sleep. On the nights that I haven't taken these precautions the enemy works on me in my sleep. I have vivid dreams and when I wake up I'm most often very discouraged or spend the day feeling guilty about my past. The objects of these dreams are things that I've already worked thru with my Lord and have been forgiven for but when I haven't prepared myself with the armor of God before bedtime the enemy is able to get in and work overtime.

It's not always easy and often I need to make time to accomplish being prepared both physically and spiritual. One doesn't always see the benefits of being prepared... it's not like I am scoring extra points with God for spending time with Him or reading His word. And I certainly don't always feel better when taking all my meds (in fact, sometimes I feel worse). However, I am made well aware of when I have missed preparing spiritually and physically.

And lastly, 'Goodbye for now' to my friend Ken Scott... I have the assurance that I will see you again my friend. You are no longer in pain, no more oxygen tank to haul around everywhere you go, no more medication to take. There is only one thing left for you to do... that's spending eternity worshiping our Heavenly Father!

Ken was a diamond in the rough... when he was physically able, he would come to church every time the doors were open. He wasn't loud and didn't demand attention; he just showed up and quietly sat; he provided support and prayer, that you can be sure of. He had so much to offer, so much to contribute but so few had been given the opportunity of uncovering the caring, loving, kind man that Ken was, he truly was a diamond in the rough.

Ken was my COPD buddy... he was the only other person that I knew who had this horrible disease. He was there to answer every question I had whether it was thru email, on the phone, or in person. He was always asking how I was feeling and wanted to know how I was adjusting to this new normal.

When I saw him at the Good Friday service I was able to give him a great big hug and then I received a tender kiss on the check from him. He was at church again on Easter Sunday morning, he looked great and said he was feeling wonderful.

I believe it was just a day or two later that I heard that he had been taken to the hospital and it didn't look good. My friend Annette agreed to take me to see him; we marched right into ICU and were able to spend time praying with him and telling him how much he meant to us.

I had promised Ken that I would go back again and see him; but my marching into ICU turned out to not be such a good idea for me as I became ill myself.

I didn't get to keep my promise but I have the confidence of knowing that I will see my brother in Christ again.

Ken ~ Until we meet again you will forever be in my thoughts!

Diana

P.S. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Ken was feeling great one day and the very next day he was being rushed to the hospital for the last time.

Please don't put off thinking about where you will spend eternity. If you need to think about where you will spend eternity then you probably are not going to heaven. You probably don't have a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Remember, you won't make it to heaven on works, you don't earn your way to heaven. If this is how you think you are getting to heaven then you are wrong my friends.

All you need to do is to receive God's free gift of salvation and turn from your sinful life. It really is that simple. If you decide to reject God's gift and refuse to live your life for Him and only Him then the only place you will go when your life is over is hell and hell is real.

I don't need to stop for one second and wonder where I will go when I die. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will instantly enter into the kingdom of heaven and into the presence of my Heavenly Father when my life on earth is over.

For those of you who are still questioning whether I am correct in my beliefs... think for a moment... what if I am right and you are wrong. You will know the answer to this question the very instant your life is over.

My family and friends ~ Do you know where you will spend eternity?

February 26, 2009 ~ Weekly Update #46

Happy Anniversary to my parents and Happy Birthday to my sister! Both of these wishes are belated; however, my family has come to understand that my well wishes are most often better late then never.

Congratulations to Meghan and Paul on the birth of their second daughter, Jenna!

To the rest of you my apologies for the unreturned calls, emails, letters, thank you notes, etc… As you will read on you will see that I have once again been down sick.

Thursday and Friday of last week; February 19th and 20th, I wasn’t feeling good, in fact I ended up skipping those two days of physical therapy.

By late Friday afternoon I had called the doctor telling him that I was coughing a great deal and by that night I had once again been started on another round of antibiotics. I had just finished the steroids three days prior to this only to start back up on 40 mg per day.

When I finally made it into PT on Tuesday of this week and started speaking with my therapist he shared with me that he felt that I was simply having anxiety attacks. He said that I was doing so good at that moment that he didn’t see how I could have possibly been so sick just days before.

At that moment I chalked his theory up to him being a therapist and not a doctor. I explained to him that I disagreed with him and we (very nicely) ended the discussion at that.

Wednesday I had an appointment with my Pulmonologist. I shared with him the thoughts of my therapist and asked if it was just anxiety. If you remember back, there was one trip to the ER when I was told the same thing; it’s just an anxiety attack.

My doctor told me that he had some words for my therapist but that using those specific words probably wouldn’t be a good thing. He went on to tell me that he firmly believes that this was not anxiety. Continuing, he said that if my therapist or anyone else suffered from an illness that limited their ability to breathe that they too would probably be finding themselves in the midst of an occasional anxiety attack in one form or another.

Bottom line, my doctor feels that I am still not doing well; in fact he added another three medications to the every growing list. (Remember, you all are supposed to be praying with me that this med list will begin to decrease, not increase - hehehe).

By the end of my visit I decided to ask him the big question… I know this has crossed the minds of some of you; it certainly has crossed my mind but I just hadn’t asked… until Wednesday.

Just how long do I have to live…? Well, I didn’t ask quite like that, but I did ask if I was going to die within the next year. The answer… NO. However, this is going to be a very long road back to recovery. The problem is that we aren’t sure what recovery for me means; there is really no way of knowing how much better I am going to get.

One of my concerns is that I am almost constantly on an antibiotic, that’s not a good thing; however, for right now this is the only option.

My second concern is the amount of Prednisone that I need to take. Jeralynn was in the office with me and I informed the doctor that I am extremely short tempered and irritated… he turned to Jeralynn and apologized… that’s just one of the unfortunate side effects.

Unless you have been on this stuff there is no way to explain to you how I am feeling. Why anyone would choose to be on this stuff willingly is beyond me… one minute I’m angry and irritated beyond explanation, and the next minute I want to burst into tears. I try not to do the later as it’s near impossible to breathe while bawling my eyes out.

I can’t sleep; when I do it’s for an hour or so then I’m up… it’s this way all night long (this doesn’t help with the moodiness).

Not to mention the extreme night sweats… the endless hunger (hence weight gain). Most recently it’s the hair growth on my face… I’m finding myself needing to shave every time I go out in public.

On another note – there are many side effects that I haven’t experienced – for this I am very grateful.

The way my doctor described my illness is that my flare-ups are like icebergs. I’m going to try to have you imagine this as I explain it.

When you see an iceberg all you see is what is on top of the water; what you don’t see is the worse of it which is underneath the water. Right now, during this flare-up as well as the others, there is a huge chunk of ice on top of the water (the flare-up). This huge chunk of ice that is visible is just a sliver of what the real, underlying problem is.

The goal for me is to get the biggest chunk, which is under the water (the real problem) to melt down to the size of an ‘ice cube’.

The best that my lungs have been since coming home from the hospital would probably be similar to seeing a hint of an iceberg above water; while at the same time the enormous underlying problem remains. This huge underwater iceberg comes no where near the goal of the underwater ‘ice cube’ it should be.

Even then, for those who are healthy, the only time you will get an underwater ‘ice cube’ is if you come down with a cold.

So, I guess you could say that my goal is to get to the point of feeling like I constantly have a cold… not really, but I hope this gives you some idea as to where my health is.

I went back to PT today and came to understand that my doctor had a conversation with my therapist. His discussions with me were completely different then they had been just two days before.

The two hours of therapy and discussion today were focused on yet another ‘new normal’. The bottom line is that unless God chooses to do a miraculous healing in my body; my health is not going to get better… from here out my health will continually deteriorate. As for now, my goal is for this to happen as slowly as possible.

And so life goes… there is so much to look forward to over the next several months. I have every reason to get stronger and stronger!

My daughter will be adding to her family while at the same time giving me a new grandson… this is something that I am very much looking forward to.

Then there is a very dear, precious young lady whom I have grown to love as one of my own over the last seven years. She already has two precious little girls (my adopted granddaughters) and she will be adding another little angel to her family.

She and Jennie are due within two weeks of each other. They are due the end of May / beginning of June.

I’ve been blessed and feel so honored in that some (who have requested to remain anonymous) have provided me with funds in which I will be able to throw each of the girls a baby shower. This will fill up the end of April / beginning of May.

And then there’s something to be said for being sick… My parents (and maybe my sister) will be down to visit this summer, probably sometime in July.

This visit will be an opportunity to not only see me and the kids but to meet their new great-grandson and spend more time spoiling Nicholas.

Several have asked for an update about the adorable little puppy that came into our home for a few days.

We took him to the West Valley Animal Shelter and he has been put up for adoption! The reassured me that they feel confident he will be placed in a loving home.

I wanted to share quickly the reason that I believe that little dog followed Nicholas home that day.

My feelings for Jennie’s fiancé hadn’t exactly been all warm and fuzzy… not for any particular reason… I just hadn’t taken the time to get to know Alex.

I truly believe the only reason that little puppy came into my life was so that God would allow me to see Alex in love. That’s exactly what happened… I had no idea of who this man was that my daughter had brought home.

In the short three days in which that dog was around God allowed me to see what an incredible influence Alex is in Nicholas’ life. What an incredibly strong father figure he is for Nick and what wisdom and tenderness he has for Nicholas.

For those three days in which God allowed this little dog to come into our lives I fell in love with the man my daughter is going to marry, and I fell in love with the father of my new grandson.

That’s it for now…

Love to you all,

Diana