Where do I begin?
In the last entry I made mention of my stomach and digestive problems. These problems have continued to cause me a great deal of pain. Some days are much worse then others... some days there is very little pain at all.
The benefit in all this is that I have a continued weight loss thru this (albeit slow)... if the weight loss keeps up at this rate I'm hoping to see a difference by Christmas... hehehe.
For reasons that I will go into later, I put off calling the doctor for a few days. I finally called on Wednesday (Sept 30th) and was told to be in her office by 8:30 the next morning. By Friday afternoon I was having an abdominal CT Scan and was told that if I didn't receive a call by that evening then I was to call in on Monday for the results.
Again, I put off the phoning the doctor, I wasn't sure that I wanted to know what the results were and if they weren't calling me then I didn't need to deal with whatever the news was. The doctor called me on Tuesday with the test results, the scan did show somethings that need to be addressed but nothing that would cause the problems that I am having.
The test results showed that I have a 'Fatty Liver', I'm not exactly sure what a fatty liver is but have been told it's something that needs to be watched.
The second result surprised me... you see I had a complete hysterectomy in 2002. I'm not going into details about the hysterectomy (send me an email if you have questions). Anyway, this scan showed that my ovaries are covered in cysts... this discovery requires just a a bit of urgency as some of the cysts have been labeled suspicious.
Regardless, neither of these is the reason for my abdominal / digestive problems. My doctor told me that she wanted me to see a gastranologsit immediately... since my gastranologist is booked about 2 months in advanced she wanted me to make an appointment with someone who can see me right away. Bottom line it appears that I will be having another colonoscopy / endoscopy.
If you have been reading my blog over the years the you will remember back to the last colonoscopy I had about a 20 months ago and all the unexpected surprises that came with it (read more).
Tuesday (Oct 20th), was an appointment with my general practitioner... it was just a follow up appointment but I was thankful for it as I had a number issues to discuss.
My bones have been hurting for the last several weeks... at one time I could take 600mg of Motrin and the pain would dissipate... that doesn't work anymore.
I've been experiencing mild vertigo over the past several weeks; additionally, I've had a headache for the last couple weeks. This headache has been getting worse and worse as the days go by and is exactly as the ones I've had in the past.
On that same visit my blood pressure had shot up to 190/94, my sugars have been between 250 and 360 over the last 10 days or so... and finally, I've been sleeping an average of 12 - 18 hours a day for the last 7 - 10 days.
While at the doctor office I was given a shot for the headache... it is now down to low roar of 3 - 4 on the pain scale. Blood was taken, a referral to my neurosurgeon was written (this to consider removing the plate in the back of my neck).
Next week I am seeing several doctors... as I see them I will be updating you as to what the next step is and will also be informing you as I begin to receive the test results.
As a side note... I have been making a point of being faithful with my medication. As ridiculous as this may sound, my biggest reason for being faithful with the med's is because I really, really want the plate in my neck taken out. I believe this will relieve some if not all of my headaches.
The surgery will not be approved unless my blood numbers come way down. So, I am being ridiculously faithful with all 28 medications.
Now... back to the beginning of this entry and why I put off calling the doctor and then the delay in following up with the doctor. It's a little thing called DEPRESSION.... For those who don't know, I am on medication for depression / anxiety...
There will be at least two sides to my announcing that I suffer from depression...
Some of you will say.... of course you're depressed... look at all that you have been thru.
And then some of you will take a 'holier then thou' attitude and say.....
~ There must be something wrong with your spiritual life
~ Repent and ask forgiveness for your sin
~ Real Christians don't get depressed
~ You need to have more faith / have faith in God
~ Taking antidepressants is playing God, He can heal you
~ Scripture says everything that happens is for your own good
~ Depression is a self discipline problem
~ You should be praying about this
~ You just need to rebuke that spirit of depression and tell it to leave you
What I want you all to know is that depression and or anxiety can happen to anyone. It is medical problem just as diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, or any other physical disability is a medical problem.
There are reasons for depression and / or anxiety and sometimes it's as simple as a single event in one's life that will trigger a downward spiral into depression. If you are suffering from depression then seek help, you may only need help for a month or two... you may require medical treatment for several years, or even the rest of your life. If you have this problem and don't know where to start or who to contact then please send me a note and I will help you find the help you need.
The last time I went to Urgent Care (read more) the doctor who saw me told me that my abdominal problems were a direct result of depression... that if I would just deal with my problems I wouldn't feel sick.
Fast forward to yesterday when I saw my General Practitioner; I flat out asked her if any of my new medical problems were a direct result of depression / anxiety. If they are caused by something that is a direct result of depression then I wanted to know so that I can learn how to deal with this both thru counseling and medication.
My doctor informed that she is positive, beyond a shadow of a doubt that my health issues are not from depression / anxiety. I reminded her that over the last 5 years I've had 3 doctors tell me that everything from COPD to vertigo to abdominal problems are from depression / anxiety.
My doctor informed me that part of the reason they may have said this was because on my good days, the first impression I leave is that I look too healthy to be so sick.
By the way... each of the three above mentioned illness (COPD, vertigo, abdominal) were later proven to be true medical problems.
Recently, I have not wanted to get out of bed... all I have wanted to do is sleep. Is it because I'm depressed??? Is it because my sugars are so high??? Because I'm in so much pain that I don't want to move??? Because my head hurts so bad I don't want to stand up???
To be honest I'm very discouraged, very upset... I don't understand why things seem to be getting worse. I don't care what the diagnosis is, I'm upset because I'm unable to function.
If it weren't for Jeralynn coming in every morning and making me get up for appointments, making me accomplish things that must be accomplished, then I wouldn't be doing anything at all. She has literally been pushing me thru each second, minute, and hour at a time and for that I am so grateful.
There were some mornings that I just got angry with her... she had to discipline me as a mother would do with her toddler. I wanted to just curl up and die some days... life doesn't always seem likes it's worth getting out of bed for. And yet Jeralynn has been there each and every day forcing me to move forward.
Just as Jeralynn is there each and every day... my Lord is there even that much more for me. There are days that I have found myself so low that I couldn't even bring myself to read the Word of God (Bible) or to carry on a conversation with my Lord (going to prayer).
I know there have been days when God has put one of you on my heart. I will sometimes be in prayer for hours, sometimes days for a specific person or situation. I will continue in prayer until God lets me know what ever the situation is has been resolved.
The last few weeks, when I have been down so low, I have rested on the fact that I know God has put me on the hearts of many of you. I know this because I have received cards and emails letting me know that you have been praying for me.
I believe that our prayers rise to heaven like incense...
Psalm 141:2 Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.
In my deepest, darkest hours I feel as though my Lord has many of you praying for me. In my heart and in my mind I can see myself being carried by your prayers on the smoke from the incense being lifted up to our Lord. The complete peace and comfort that I'm able to feel is something that I wish you all could experience at some time in your life.
A very dear friend sent something to me recently... it touched my heart and gave me a new perspective on life...
We were created for God's pleasure. In these closing moments of this age, the Lord will have a people whose purpose for living is to please God with their lives. In them, God finds His own reward for creating man. They are His worshipers. They are on earth only to please God, and when He is pleased, they also are pleased. The Lord takes them farther and through more pain and conflicts than other men. Outwardly, they often seem "smitten of God, and afflicted". Yet to God, they are His beloved. When they are crushed, like the petals of a flower, they exude a worship, the fragrance of which is so beautiful and rare that angels weep in quiet awe at their surrender. They are the Lord's purpose for creation."
Isaiah 53:4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
And in closing...
Happy Birthday to a very dear friend who I forgot to call... Happy Belated Birthday Mary!
In Memorium....
Judy Olivetti Jacobs... You lost your father unexpectedly and way too soon... my prayers are with you and your family!
The Miano family... Praying for you guys as you say goodbye to Grandma Ruby.
