The last seven months have been spent talking to my Lord, seeking His will for my life, and trying to make sense of the why's and why not's as to the course my life has taken.
Before I continue, I want to make sure that everyone reading this understands something... my purpose for writing this blog is not to look for pity or handouts.
The primary purpose of this blog is to give praise and glory to my Lord and Savior for His continued love and provision toward me and the road He's leading me down.
Once again, I will begin to share the ups and downs of my life, the swerves both left and right. It's been a most difficult first seven months of 2011 but my Lord has been through it with me, every step of the way.
I'll start with a short update on my parents...
My mother ~ Shortly after the beginning of the year her doctor began to take her off of the pain medication that she had been on after her fall in October. It didn't take long to discover that she had experienced additional damage to her physical body (besides the multiple breaks to her pelvic and sacrum areas). After some testing it had been determined that one of her rotator cuffs had been torn completely in half.
She successfully underwent surgery to repair this tear and a short time later (in April), she returned back to work full time as a receptionist for an insurance company in Florida.
My father is doing much better then any man with 1/2 of a heart should be doing. He is even working about 10 hours a week (outside of the home).
As for me... this first half of 2011 has been a daily roller coaster ride. If I had it my way I would have jumped off about 5 months ago.
Where to begin... So far this year has brought with it a case of pneumonia, a couple cases of bronchitis, being on oxygen (more often then not), falling a little more frequently then before, and becoming very forgetful. The pain and numbness in my extremities has become more intense, thus making it more difficult to do anything.
In addition, since the beginning of 2011 it's become a serious (month to month) question as to whether I was going to stay living where I am or whether I was going to NEED to move.
Backing up a bit...
It was just about 5 1/2 years ago when I made a decision to fully commit my life to Christ. Asking Him to be the Lord of my life... Begging Him to let me fulfill the purpose He has for my life... And, daily living out the plans that He has for my life.
After all, if I couldn't live for Him here on earth (no matter what the circumstances are), then what right do I have asking to live with Him in heaven for eternity.
Looking back at the last seven months, the only reason that I am able to continue on is because of the joy and peace my Lord has given me and knowing that He has been there with me every step of the way.
As you read on, please know that my Lord never walked away from me, in fact, He continued to provide for many of my needs. If the truth be told, I was the one who lost out, I missed out on having joy, peace, and a comfort that only He can give.
To be honest with you, I don't like this road that I've been traveling on. I've spent many days and nights arguing with God... telling Him that He doesn't understand my life. That if He did understand it, He would allow me to do things the way I wanted them done and not the way He wanted them done.
God so gently reminded me of a man in the Bible... the mans name is Jonah... Jonah too had plans for his own life. Just then God brought back to my mind the commitment that I had made to Him. And that although I may not 'like' what is happening in my life right now, I needed to follow the path (the design and purpose) that He has laid out before me.
It's taken the last several months but I've finally been able to understand that I had promised to freely follow His will for my life. Because of this I could either live out His purpose in my life cheerfully or He could uproot me and put me wherever it is that He wants me to go (whether I like it or not)... just as He did with Jonah.
Just recently, very recently (maybe the last few weeks), I finally quit fighting God.
What do I mean by quitting the fight with God? Let me explain...
It really was more of an emotional battle... I was determined to storm through life, doing everything in my power to stay where I am (not moving). I was angry, mad, and hurt... I was set on making life work on my own terms. I did everything in my power to cut communication with most everyone that was close to me... or at least keep it to a minimum.
There was nothing and nobody that was going to stop me... I kept my nose to the grind stone and nothing was going to get in my way. I didn't care if it killed me, in fact there were times that I would have preferred that it ended that way.
I had made a decision to keep my focus on eBay... spending as much time as possible working on eBay, every ounce of energy I had was devoted to making money). During this time I ignored everything and everyone, including my God, my children, and grandchildren.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't do anything horrible (as it would be seen in the eyes of many). But what I did do was put God on the shelf. I put aside reading the Bible and spending time in prayer with my Lord. I figured that I needed to put all the energy I had into eBay, after all, if I was going to stay living where I'm at, I needed to make as much money as possible.
But then it happened, the walls came down and I cried out to God. I can't tell you when (as I don't remember what day it was), it just happened. The fight I was putting up, well, it just laid down.
My conversation with God went something like this...
God, forgive me! How humbly I come before you, begging your forgiveness for thinking that I knew what was best for my life.
I had given my life to you (5 1/2 years ago)... since then you have never failed me... you took care of me... never letting me down.
But then I became scared, I took my eyes off of you and it took all I had to keep my head above water.
Lord, I don't want to struggle to stay afloat! Please give me another chance to complete the purpose that you have for me in this life and that I might live it as you would have me live it.
Lord I'm willing to go down the path that you would have for me to follow, I'm willing to take the curves, the hills, and the valleys that I'm about to enter. I know that you will have hold of my hand every step of the way and for that I am forever grateful.
Amen
Immediately after I prayed the anger, resentment, and frustration, it all went away... I was once again filled with a calmness, peace, joy, and love that I hadn't felt in a very long time.
With that said, I grabbed my Bible and got started back on the road that He has had for me all along.
The road in front of me is still filled with rocks, boulders, dips, and sharp turns... but God is with me.
The most important thing that I have learned is how grateful I am that I serve a loving, kind, gracious, and merciful God. Knowing that He didn't quit on me, even when I quit on Him is something that I will treasure forever.
I'm still continuing with eBay and yard sales... it's important that I do as much as I can. However, my priorities have been realigned, and my Lord is back to being first on my list.
The next update that I will send out will include some details of these ups and downs... but I will give you a couple hints...
~ Today is August 2nd, I still owe $800 towards rent for July and am $900 short for August rent.
~ The electric bill hasn't been paid in 6 months and is scheduled to be shut off today.
~ I went to the Pulmonologist and it was determined that I need additional testing done on my lungs to see if their functionality has lessened and whether my need for oxygen has increased again.
I'm excited and can't want for you to journey with me and see were Gods plan for my life will lead me.
With love,
Diana
