What a year 2010 has been and what a year I think 2011 will end up being!
I think the greatest thing I learned this year was being reminded that we are only here on earth for a fleeting moment.
In April 2010 I underwent my third cervical spinal surgery... this one was to remove the plate in the back of my neck. So far, it appears that this has worked... for the most part anyway; I say that because the headaches are gone and for that I am praising my Lord. I still have some numbness and weakness in my extremities, but the headaches (constant migraines with no relief) are gone!
My parents came out for April and May to assist with my recovery... that was a wonderful time! My father (who has congestive heart failure) played the handyman and repaired everything that needed fixing in my home (yes, I'm renting, but if I don't complain about and/or fix it myself the landlord won't raise the rent). Dad even remodeled the spare room in my house to make it into a baseball room for the boys. Nicholas and Nathanial were so very happy with having their own room at grandma's house.
My mother spent her time getting me better... waiting on me hand and foot. I know that had to be difficult for her... not necessarily waiting on me but realizing how much more I had deteriorated compared to the last time she was with me. I think the biggest surprise to them this year was realizing that I no longer have control over my bodily fluids. But my mother remained a saint, constantly changing the linens and cleaning up whenever I didn't hit my intended target (be it the trash can or toilet).
They were both able to spend time attending Nick's baseball games and getting to know the newest member of the family, Nathaniel.
My parents went home mid-May; mom started back to working her full time job and dad continued working around the house in addition to his part time job, and life as he knows it.
By the end of August my father was in ICU hanging on to life; there were no expectations that he would live. He was alert enough that he was able to assist my mother, sister, and aunt in planning every detail of how he envisioned his memorial was going to be. But then, just as quick as he went down, he turned around and started getting stronger... I'm not saying better because he is still very ill... he daily wears a nitroglycerin patch to keep his pain at bay. It reminds him that he has 5 inoperable arteries that are nearly 100% blocked... we are all aware that one day his heart will stop... only God knows when this day will be. Meanwhile we continue to be thankful for each day that is given to not only him but to each of us.
Before we knew it time had flown by and it was the beginning of October; mom was celebrating her birthday. I think she was most thankful this birthday simply because dad was still around to celebrate this day with her.
Then it happened, one week after her birthday... mom fell and and landed hard. She broke two bones in six places in her pelvic area; 32 days later (way ahead of schedule) mom came back home.
Mom was able to be home for Thanksgiving... this was a much earlier release date then what was first expected. During the time that mom was down I spent a great deal of time searching the Word of God trying to discover His purpose in all of this. As for me, I never did find out what God's reasoning for allowing mom to suffer such pain, but I do know that He was with her every moment of her suffering and that He never left her side.
God is continuing to restore her health... it will be a long road back to recovery but at least she is at home and headed in the right direction.
As for me; just before Thanksgiving I ended up having two teeth pulled. Having these teeth pulled very much went against the dentists recommendations; however, I don't know anyone who has $3,000 to drop on some dental work.
Going a little further back for me... I began to get sick mid September... so the routine started. Go on antibiotics, steroids, breathing treatments, rest, and start over. The symptoms did dissipate long enough for me to have the teeth pulled; but then they came flying back with a vengeance.
I stumbled through Thanksgiving with even more antibiotics, steroids, and breathing treatments... but nothing, no getting better this time.
Right around Thanksgiving I plummeted; mostly into depression, I attribute this to my health continuing to nose dive with no relief.
At this point I was finding it very difficult to be thankful for the many blessings that had been and that were continuing to be bestowed upon me.
I was grateful... oh, let me tell you how very grateful I was to the many of you who poured out your love, prayers, gifts, and finances upon me.
How grateful I was to a young man in my church (Zach) who organized a group of about 40 from my church family to surprise me by standing outside my front door singing Christmas carols on a very warm Sunday afternoon. And then how grateful I was to each and everyone of them who came up and greeted me with hugs, food, and even some gifts.
I was just finding it extremely difficult to continue on with a thankful heart... I was done.
I have found that for me there is a difference between being thankful and being grateful. If I was to be thankful for the blessings bestowed upon me then I had to be thankful for my circumstances. My circumstances of always being the one in need, always being the one who is sick, always being the one who... (if you haven't read my entire blog then you will probably have a hard time understanding what I'm referring too).
I think it was the end of 2010... maybe a couple days before January 1st rolled around that I began to realize that my attitude certainly wasn't helping anything. By allowing this depression to take over my life I had stopped communicating with my Lord on a daily basis and had stopped depending on His Word, the Holy Bible, for my daily guidance.
Don't get me wrong, there are still many days that I find myself depressed, both in regards to my health and my circumstances; but the last several nights have been spent with me asking (even begging) my Lord to not let go of my hand.
In looking back over the last several months, He never did let go of my hand; it was me turning away from Him; being so frustrated with 'everything' that I just wanted to bury my head in anything but my Lord.
So as this new year started... so did a much stronger walk with my Lord; this time with a faith that is much more intense.
Here's a short review of last year in regards to my health...
There were two new medical diagnosis in 2010... stomach paralysis and burning tongue (mouth) syndrome.
Stomach paralysis means that my food takes much longer to digest then most; this explains much of the vomiting that I have experienced over the past year.
Burning tongue (mouth) syndrome (for me it's just the tongue)... one's tongue (most often the entire mouth) feels as though it is on fire; additionally, I've lost the ability to taste food.
Backing up a bit... it's interesting how God allows our paths to cross with each other even though sometimes years have past. That was the case with some friends of mine that I hadn't had contact with in probably 20 years. Fred and Kathy... to say that they have been through a great deal in their lives is putting it mildly. So I thought that I would send them a note... just in case, for some far off reason, they might know what I was talking about. And guess what, they did, they knew exactly what burning mouth syndrome was and what the best cure was. Thank you by the way for sending me a two month supply of this wonderful supplement. It hasn't completely disappeared, but the symptoms are much better.
Today was the first of many doctors appointments in 2011. This one was with a new doctor, an ENT... because I've had this horrible cough and laryngitis (for four months now) my pulmonologist wanted me to see him just to make sure everything was 'okay'.
After speaking with him for about 15 minutes he informs me that he is doing a 'Nasal Endoscopy' right there and then.... yipee! Just a few minutes later and it's all over... the results (and please, if any of you have ever heard of this before let me know).
Reflux Laryngitis... apparently the back side of my voice box (layrnx) has been severely damaged by acid reflux. I have had a hiatal hernia for a few years now (blamed on the severity of the bronchial coughing). He believes that the cause of this 'reflux laryngitis' damage is a combination of the hiatal hernia and almost daily vomiting (from stomach paralysis) over the last several months.
First new rule... minimal talking!
Second, he has started me on two new medications (if you are counting, that brings the total to 42 prescriptions per day). I am to see him again in 30 days... meanwhile, nothing to eat at least four hours before laying down (either to nap or sleep). And, nothing to drink one hour before laying down (even water), nor am I to have any cough drops one hour prior to laying down or while laying down.
If you know me, you know I live on water, probably 15 glasses a day... I think I drink at least 1 - 2 glasses during the night, this in an attempt at preventing a dry mouth and calming my cough.
I'm not really sure what this will mean in regards to how much sleep I will be getting from this night forward. I cough so violently through the night that I often find myself vomiting at least once every night. I have cough syrup yes, but often count on water and/or cough drops to get me through the rest of the night.
I will be back to see this doctor on February 7th to find out if anything has changed either for the better or the worse; it will be at this time that I also find out what the next step(s) will be.
I read the following on someones blog and am going to paraphrase it... but thought it perfect as this new year seems to be starting off with so little knowledge as to where it will take me.
Starting this new year has been like standing at the edge of the cold, deep, dark ocean. Looking at those big waves it's hard not to get scared, at times I've had to hold myself back from turning in the other direction and running as fast as I can.
What I've come to realize is that it's not about diving in to those cold scary waves... it's about keeping my eyes on Jesus and getting ready to walk on the water.
Matthew 14: 27-31
27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.”
28 And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”
29 So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.
30 But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!”
31 And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
At times I still find myself filled with doubt as I sit and wonder what the future holds... questioning how much longer I can go on with my health continuing to decline on what seems to be a regular basis.
But it's not about what I see as being possible... it's about what's possible with Him...
Matthew 19:26
26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Once again, thank you to all who have spent time on their knees for me... and so much more!
With love,
Diana
