September 27, 2011

Hi All ~

It's not often that I ask you to do something for me... but I am asking something of you today.

Please take 33 minutes out of your busy schedule and watch this documentary called 180.

There may be some moments during the movie that may be difficult for you to watch, but I would encourage you to watch it through to the end.

The movie does contain graphic images ~ Viewer discretion is advised.

http://www.180movie.com/

September 23, 2011

Before reading this I ask that you understand the following... my purpose for writing this blog is not to look for pity or handouts.

The primary purpose of this blog is to give praise and glory to my Lord and Savior for His continued love and provisions as I travel the road He's leading me on.

This entry will be short and to the point... I don't know if I am doing this for me or for those of you that I will eventually be seeing face to face.

There have been some changes to my face in the recent days (specifically my smile). And now, to get a glimpse of my new smile...

It's not often that something will bring me to tears, but to be honest with you this has been extremely difficult for me.

I'm trying to figure out why this has caused so many emotions to rush to the surface.

I've been through so much worse in the past... when I lost my job, had to sell my home, my car, and the majority of my belongings. Again when I had to start wearing diapers, when I could no longer color my hair and had to let it go gray, when the doctor said that because of my spinal cord injuries I could no longer drive, and the list goes on.

None of those others things caused me to feel the great sense of loss and sadness that I have felt with loosing these teeth.

I've worked through the emotions of sadness, loss, anger, and frustration. Now I'm working on the embarrasment of facing others. It's not so bad when I come face to face with those of you that I know, those of you who I see on a weekly, if not daily basis. You have been around to see my physical body (and my mind) slowly 'fall apart', it's not such a shock to you.

The embarrassment is when I come face to face with someone that I don't know or someone that I haven't seen in a long time. I can hear some of you now, "Don't worry about what others think." I wish that my thought process worked that way, but it doesn't.

I've not quite figured out all that God wants me to learn through this, but this is what I've learned so far...

Am I prideful when it comes to my looks?

I didn't think I was, but if that is the case, I'm certainly aware of it now.

Did I judge others who were missing teeth?

Most definitely, but I thought that I had a reason for doing so. My thinking was that most often when people have teeth that are missing it is a consequences of their lifestyle. (If you don't know what I am talking about, many addicts will loose their teeth because of the drugs and alcohol they consume). I figured that's what happens when you live the life you are choosing to live.

In case you are wondering, I will no longer be judging anyone by their appearance. From now on when I see someone that doesn't seem to have it all together I will stop to consider that I have no idea what they have been through or where they have been.

Instead, I will look at them through the eyes of my Heavenly Father, I will take the time to see their heart and their hurts.

A few days ago I had a conversation with someone who is very near and dear to me. He reminded me that my teeth are breaking off due to a consequence of something, and that they didn't break off 'just because'. That something is that I have a paralyzed stomach... a symptom of this is vomiting on a regular basis.

This vomiting is destroying my teeth and that is exactly why they are breaking off... does it make it any easier for me? NO! My emotions still twirl around in my mind as I try to come to terms with this and why it is that God would allow this to happen.

In all reality it has nothing to do with what God is allowing or not allowing. The truth is that this world we live in is not perfect. Having Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life doesn't mean that my life (or the life of anyone else) will be without heartache or pain...

What I do know is that God has already and will continue to use this to teach me and maybe others... I know that I've already begun to learn from this (as I mentioned earlier). If God uses this to show you something then please let me know, it truly would be an encouragement to me.

In all of this there is something to give God praise and glory for... even though my teeth are breaking off, I'm not in any pain. For that alone, I thank my Lord and Savior!

September 8, 2011

I was running my fingers through my hair a few weeks ago and a couple of hairs fell out. I was reminded at that moment how much God cares for me, not because of the few hairs that fell out, but because He knows the exact number of hairs that remain.

Matthew 10:30

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

It's been a very interesting few weeks, but God has been with me every step of the way. This is just a little peak into the way things have unfolded and the miracles that have taken place this past month.

As you read on there is something that you should know... I do receive Social Security Disability payments each month in the amount of $1,400. However, most of that money is eaten up in the monthly costs of medication and medical costs. This leaves little or no money for rent, food, or utilities.

***

As I wrote last, I was $800 short in my rent for July and $900 short with the amount due for rent in August.

eBay seemed to explode with sales shortly after I wrote that and with my Lord's help I was able to come up with an additional $260. This made the amount that I am in dept to my landlord a total of $1,440.

During this time I had been praying that God would begin to soften my landlords heart so that he would be willing to work with me.

The miracle...

The landlord gladly excepted what I had and didn't give me an eviction notice.

***

I had also made mention that my electricity was due to be shut off on August 2nd (it was actually scheduled to be shut off the next day, August 3rd). What I didn't tell you was that the amount owed for those 6 months that I was past due was over $1,000.

Jennie drove me over to the Department of Water and Power... But before walking in I paused and asked the Lord to go in before me (to do what, I didn't know). At this point, on August 2nd, I didn't have any money to take in with me, the total amount in my purse was $0.00. My checking account was overdrawn and there wasn't a penny to be found anywhere in the house (even in the couch cushions).

The miracle...

I walked through the door and got up to the window... she pulled up my account and asked how I would like to pay. I told her that I didn't have any money, "Then your water and power will be shut off tomorrow" she said. I asked her to please give me one more week, "I can't" she said. Then she paused and asked me if I could come up with just $20. I asked her to let me go out to the car and see if my daughter had any money. After going through her purse Jennie was able to pull together $20 and I went back in to give her the money. To my amazement, she told me that she could give me two additional weeks.

***

It was just a few days after this that my clothes dryer stopped working. (Something to note - this dryer was just 5 years old and the extended warranty ran out in July - I didn't have the money to renew it). I was able to take it apart, fiddle with it and then put it back together... that effort gave the dryer a few more days of life, but in the long run it needed to be replaced.

God and I had a conversation over this... Hello God, don't you realize that I need every penny I can get my hands on to pay the electric bill? How am I suppose to come up with money to get a new (used, but new to me) dryer. The answer that I received back is that He wants to stretch my faith. Okay God, but do you really think I need to continue these faith stretching exercises?

After spending much time looking, God lead me to a dryer that was just a couple of blocks away from where I spent my teenage years in West Hills and it was only going to cost $50.

A great big thank you to Jeralynn for taking me and Ricky over to pick it up (they have a trailer that was able to transport it back to my house).

The miracle(s)...

That I had made almost exactly $50 on eBay just days before finding this dryer.

And then, the complete peace God gave me with this dryer. Once I found out where they lived, I knew this was the dryer God had set aside for me.

***

As you read on, keep in the back of your mind that I'm needing to put 100% of my effort into doing yard sales and eBay so that I can come up with enough money to pay the electric bill.

***

I became quit tired and not feeling good... I still don't understand why God allowed this to happen. But then it's not up to me to know God's master plan, His will for my life.

The bottom line, the new 'Blood Glucose Monitor' that I had received wasn't reading my numbers correctly. What it was telling me was that my sugars were okay, when in fact they were hoovering in the 200 - 300's (they should be between 90 - 150).

Once we found this out my doctor decided to temporarily increase the amount of insulin that I needed to take. My insurance (for whatever reason) wouldn't cover the insulin that I so badly needed.

My doctor didn't have any samples and there was no way that I could afford to purchase it. So with the combination of no insulin and high blood sugar numbers, I really didn't feel very good.

This went on for about two weeks... then finally my doctor was able to get some samples and things started looking better.

(P.S. I'm still in the process of getting a glucose monitor that works accurately.)

The miracle... I'm still here and didn't end up in the hospital during that time.

***

With me feeling better, I only had a few days left before I had to pay the electric bill. God gave me the energy and we did a yard sale (in addition to eBay).

The miracle... because I hadn't had enough energy to go through my treasures, there wasn't very much put out to sell at the yard sale... still, over $500 was made that day.

Between that money, a financial gift and overdraft protection... the bill was paid in full.

***

At this point I'm going full force to try and make rent for September. I need to come up with money to cover the overdraft protection in addition to the $1,800 rent money that's coming due. This is not to mention the the $1,440 I am still in arrears to my landlord for.

Sunday night (August 28th) I was working on eBay, at the same time worrying about how the rent was going to be paid. Just then I noticed that something had sold on eBay (it sold for $9.99)

It was at the moment that God spoke to my heart... He promised that He would take care of me. He promised me that if I did my part that He would take care of me.

(I already knew that I had given everything I could financially that morning in church, it was only $20, but it was all that I had, I didn't have another penny to my name.)

At that same moment He told me to put everything that I had into this yard sale, every ounce of energy and everything that I could find (and that's just what I did).

He never promised me that my rent would be paid, but what He did promise is that He would take care of me.

Since that very moment when God spoke to my heart and mind, I was instantly flooded with complete and perfect peace. I was almost giddy with excitement to see just how it is that God was going to take care of me.

I want you to remember this part that I have italicized.

***

The yard sale was wonderful... another $500 plus was made. But that wasn't near enough to begin covering what I needed.

In addition to one of my friends being there to help with the yard sale, my Pastor's son also spent the day helping out. At the end of the day he suggested that we do it again on Monday... what a great idea, and that's exactly what we decided to do.

***

My goal in all of this was to give my landlord the rent in full, $1,800. I thought if I can do that then he might at least have faith in me that I am trying my best and he would let us stay on living here. I thought I would explain to him that I would continue on do my best to pay him back as quickly as possible.

God had other plans.

***

It's now Sunday, late afternoon.... I had looked at the weather forecast to see how hot it was going to be... in the 100's. But, they also said there was a chance of rain... WHAT? In California, the end of August?

If I set everything up and it rained then I would lose everything.

Lord, do you want me to move forward or cancel the yard sale?

As I sat there trying to decide what to do, my mother sent me a note on Facebook...

Daddy and I will help you pray the rain will be held back. "Where two or three are gathered together in my name there I am in the midst of them." Thank God for His word and that He is in control of the weather and Our Lives. Love you, Mom and Dad

Okay God, I will trust that this is confirmation to move forward. And that's just what I did.

As I was continuing to get ready for the yard sale Jeralynn called me... She wanted to know if I had seen the huge rainbow. I went outside and sure enough, there it was, bigger then life. (Later I found out the this was seen by many, all over the San Fernando Valley).

I paused to look up and thank God for this second confirmation that He sent me, I needed to move forward.

We went out to hang signs up that night... the sky was lit up with lightening strikes, they were everywhere. Again I prayed, God this is all so confusing to me. And in that still small voice He said, Trust Me.

The first thing I did when I woke up Monday morning was to look outside to see if it had rained. The sky was dark and full of clouds, but not a drop had fallen. At least not at that point.

***

There was no rain on Saturday... at one point we had a few 'big' drops, but then the skies parted and the sun came out.

Only about 25 people came to the yard sale and yet the total sale brought $130.

At the close of the yard sale Rick and I went to take the signs down, but only 5 of them were still up... someone had gone through and taken down 10 of the signs... which makes this profit of $130 even more of a miracle!

Not only were the signs taken down, but some were ripped in half, while others had been stomped on. I didn't understand, someone was really angry about us having a yard sale.

***

Although $130 is a good deal of money, I was extremely discouraged. By this point I had a total of $1,500 to give my landlord, but that was all I had, it wasn't even close to the $1,800 I had hoped for.

It's now Tuesday and my landlord is on his way over... I'm not sure what he's going to say when I tell him that I only have a portion of the rent money to give him. Furthermore, I now owe him $1740.

The miracle...

Remember what I wrote above in italics; God told me know that if I did my part that He would take care of me... this is what happened.

Once he arrived I told him how much I had and reviewed with him what I owed him in back-rent.

I asked him what he wanted to do...being that I owe him so much money and that I have no idea how I am ever going to pay that back. I continued on letting him know that I have no idea how much I will be able to give him each month going forward.

I asked him if he wanted us to move out... He himmed and hawed, and then this is what he said...

He is leaving in two weeks to go to Italy to care for his parents. He will be there for at least one month, maybe two, maybe longer.

He told me to continue on doing the best that I can.... no matter what that is, just do my best to come up with as much rent money as I can each month.

Maybe around the first of the year we will re-visit this whole thing and see where it lands.

Meanwhile, "don't worry" he said, just do your best.

I asked again about the $1,740 I owe him in past rent... 'that's the last thing on my mind right now', you are taking care of my home and I'm just not too concerned about the money right now'.

When he left I broke down into tears thanking God! What landlord does this?

God did exactly as He promised He would do... He didn't provide the rent in full, but He took care of me.

I can rest assured that I will be here through at least until the end of the year and probably far beyond that.

I love my Lord, my Abba Father, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I'm finding it hard to put into words how grateful I am to serve such an awesome, powerful, wonderful God!

I have been jumping up and down ever since, breaking down in tears, falling to the ground and giving thanks to my Lord as I am so unworthy of His goodness!

***

I had used every penny in the house to give him as much money as I could. This left no money for medications or food.

Just now, today (Thursday) the mail came... what was in the mail? A check for $100... can I get an AMEN!

I'm making my list so that one of the kids can go shopping for me to get some things I've done without the last couple of weeks. I might even splurge and get a salad and some chicken... yummy!

By the way, thank you to those who sent the check!

***

Please join me in giving thanks to my Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ for His everlasting goodness!

It's a new month now, I'm sure there will be new twists and turns, but I can't wait to see what God has planned for my life.

Love,

Diana

August 2, 2011

Wow, It's been a long time!

The last seven months have been spent talking to my Lord, seeking His will for my life, and trying to make sense of the why's and why not's as to the course my life has taken.

Before I continue, I want to make sure that everyone reading this understands something... my purpose for writing this blog is not to look for pity or handouts.

The primary purpose of this blog is to give praise and glory to my Lord and Savior for His continued love and provision toward me and the road He's leading me down.

Once again, I will begin to share the ups and downs of my life, the swerves both left and right. It's been a most difficult first seven months of 2011 but my Lord has been through it with me, every step of the way.

I'll start with a short update on my parents...

My mother ~ Shortly after the beginning of the year her doctor began to take her off of the pain medication that she had been on after her fall in October. It didn't take long to discover that she had experienced additional damage to her physical body (besides the multiple breaks to her pelvic and sacrum areas). After some testing it had been determined that one of her rotator cuffs had been torn completely in half.

She successfully underwent surgery to repair this tear and a short time later (in April), she returned back to work full time as a receptionist for an insurance company in Florida.

My father is doing much better then any man with 1/2 of a heart should be doing. He is even working about 10 hours a week (outside of the home).

As for me... this first half of 2011 has been a daily roller coaster ride. If I had it my way I would have jumped off about 5 months ago.

Where to begin... So far this year has brought with it a case of pneumonia, a couple cases of bronchitis, being on oxygen (more often then not), falling a little more frequently then before, and becoming very forgetful. The pain and numbness in my extremities has become more intense, thus making it more difficult to do anything.

In addition, since the beginning of 2011 it's become a serious (month to month) question as to whether I was going to stay living where I am or whether I was going to NEED to move.

Backing up a bit...

It was just about 5 1/2 years ago when I made a decision to fully commit my life to Christ. Asking Him to be the Lord of my life... Begging Him to let me fulfill the purpose He has for my life... And, daily living out the plans that He has for my life.

After all, if I couldn't live for Him here on earth (no matter what the circumstances are), then what right do I have asking to live with Him in heaven for eternity.

Looking back at the last seven months, the only reason that I am able to continue on is because of the joy and peace my Lord has given me and knowing that He has been there with me every step of the way.

As you read on, please know that my Lord never walked away from me, in fact, He continued to provide for many of my needs. If the truth be told, I was the one who lost out, I missed out on having joy, peace, and a comfort that only He can give.

To be honest with you, I don't like this road that I've been traveling on. I've spent many days and nights arguing with God... telling Him that He doesn't understand my life. That if He did understand it, He would allow me to do things the way I wanted them done and not the way He wanted them done.

God so gently reminded me of a man in the Bible... the mans name is Jonah... Jonah too had plans for his own life. Just then God brought back to my mind the commitment that I had made to Him. And that although I may not 'like' what is happening in my life right now, I needed to follow the path (the design and purpose) that He has laid out before me.

It's taken the last several months but I've finally been able to understand that I had promised to freely follow His will for my life. Because of this I could either live out His purpose in my life cheerfully or He could uproot me and put me wherever it is that He wants me to go (whether I like it or not)... just as He did with Jonah.

Just recently, very recently (maybe the last few weeks), I finally quit fighting God.

What do I mean by quitting the fight with God? Let me explain...

It really was more of an emotional battle... I was determined to storm through life, doing everything in my power to stay where I am (not moving). I was angry, mad, and hurt... I was set on making life work on my own terms. I did everything in my power to cut communication with most everyone that was close to me... or at least keep it to a minimum.

There was nothing and nobody that was going to stop me... I kept my nose to the grind stone and nothing was going to get in my way. I didn't care if it killed me, in fact there were times that I would have preferred that it ended that way.

I had made a decision to keep my focus on eBay... spending as much time as possible working on eBay, every ounce of energy I had was devoted to making money). During this time I ignored everything and everyone, including my God, my children, and grandchildren.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't do anything horrible (as it would be seen in the eyes of many). But what I did do was put God on the shelf. I put aside reading the Bible and spending time in prayer with my Lord. I figured that I needed to put all the energy I had into eBay, after all, if I was going to stay living where I'm at, I needed to make as much money as possible.

But then it happened, the walls came down and I cried out to God. I can't tell you when (as I don't remember what day it was), it just happened. The fight I was putting up, well, it just laid down.

My conversation with God went something like this...

God, forgive me! How humbly I come before you, begging your forgiveness for thinking that I knew what was best for my life.

I had given my life to you (5 1/2 years ago)... since then you have never failed me... you took care of me... never letting me down.

But then I became scared, I took my eyes off of you and it took all I had to keep my head above water.

Lord, I don't want to struggle to stay afloat! Please give me another chance to complete the purpose that you have for me in this life and that I might live it as you would have me live it.

Lord I'm willing to go down the path that you would have for me to follow, I'm willing to take the curves, the hills, and the valleys that I'm about to enter. I know that you will have hold of my hand every step of the way and for that I am forever grateful.

Amen

Immediately after I prayed the anger, resentment, and frustration, it all went away... I was once again filled with a calmness, peace, joy, and love that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

With that said, I grabbed my Bible and got started back on the road that He has had for me all along.

The road in front of me is still filled with rocks, boulders, dips, and sharp turns... but God is with me.

The most important thing that I have learned is how grateful I am that I serve a loving, kind, gracious, and merciful God. Knowing that He didn't quit on me, even when I quit on Him is something that I will treasure forever.

I'm still continuing with eBay and yard sales... it's important that I do as much as I can. However, my priorities have been realigned, and my Lord is back to being first on my list.

The next update that I will send out will include some details of these ups and downs... but I will give you a couple hints...

~ Today is August 2nd, I still owe $800 towards rent for July and am $900 short for August rent.

~ The electric bill hasn't been paid in 6 months and is scheduled to be shut off today.

~ I went to the Pulmonologist and it was determined that I need additional testing done on my lungs to see if their functionality has lessened and whether my need for oxygen has increased again.

I'm excited and can't want for you to journey with me and see were Gods plan for my life will lead me.

With love,

Diana